It has taken me much time for me put this to words. I have tried time and time again, each attempt with no semblance of success. This concept is obviously extremely difficult for me to write. Each click of my keyboard, each letter I type piles more and more emotion onto my shoulders. But all of you deserve to know what I left unspoken, the words my cowardice and fear of emotional vulnerability locked away. Now, however, I have broken the chains that left the truth bound. Allow me to do so, just for a few moments.
I remember hearing on several occasions that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Normally I would agree with this statement. Yet, when it comes to you, I have to modify the statement. I would argue that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but only if others do not fill in emptiness left in its wake. That being said, each of us has obviously made other friends and connections by now. We are all hundreds, even thousands of miles apart, trying to acclimate to such a drastic shift in our lives. Admittedly, we never got to have a true goodbye. We all had such grandiose plans; all of which fell through. It is through these words that I wish to make up for it, to say it post hoc and explain to you just how eager I am to reconnect after thousands of hours of absence. This is an unprecedented change in our lives. Each of us will adapt to our newly-found surroundings and our unfamiliar separation differently.
And this letter is how I plan to adapt.
So, general introductions aside, here is what I have to say:
The experiences we had the luxury of sharing are an integral part of my story. Not only just as events in a person timeline, but key moments in the understanding of myself and the way I interact with others. The trip we took together as a sort of the last hurrah, a final chance to remain in the naivete of having little to no experience in the real world. Those days were filled with cranky mornings, limitless complaints, and a complete meltdown of our pre-trip logistics; but they were also filled with great joy and laughter and even more bonding. We grew ever closer as we learned more about our individual histories, even if it was just by simply playing a game of two truths and a lie. I cannot forget the stories we told and the experiences we all shared in an environment filled with the most vibrant beauty nature has to offer. We cemented ties that I personally believe will never be broken.
That explains the tempestuousness behind my current emotional state. I must confess that the social aspect of college is the hardest transition for me to make. All of you practically came to me; I had nothing to do with our initial interactions, our first social gatherings, our first moments as friends. I never developed the skills necessary to know how to do it myself. Granted, my current status is nowhere near as hopeless as that last sentence might indicate, but the inconvenience my incapabilities have presented makes me long for the familiar and pine for the comfortable. I want to go back to what I know, the closeness and warmth that we all shared.
Maybe it is because you all have seen my true colors. Knowing how deeply I lock my secrets away, I can see that our mutual trust was more than I had ever experienced with anyone. I normally shut people out the closer we become; I fear what I am hiding may jeopardize the status of years and years of mutual development. Yet you all were the exception. I could not hide much from you. In other words, I knew you we were having these moments of real talk for a reason. It was our own means of processing our thoughts and emotions over certain aspects of our lives that were troubling to us at the time, regardless of the true significance of their impact.
As evidenced by the tear that has just fallen upon my keyboard, the impact of the big picture is a bit too much to handle. You all kept me sane, intact, and ready to face the world. And so far, I have little of that to speak of. Don't get me wrong, I have begun to develop a sense of self-reliance as of late, which I had thought may not have been possible. Yet I am surviving on my own, but I still feel a bit hollowed out. It's almost as if the emotional stability I have found with you all has been wrenched out and I am forced to start from scratch.
While I have had worries about these words portraying a picture of codependence, that is not my intent. I say this because I want to finally allow these emotions to spill over and return me to a homeostasis that I had not reached since days before I left for Connecticut.
And now that they have spilled over, I will end this with one last request: don't forget too much of your experiences this year, we have a lot to talk about this Christmas!
Sincerely,
A friend, from opposite shores.
