I have always been confused on how people can walk into your life, absorb facts about you, and just walk out. Coming to think about it, it is pretty scary because there are about four people out in the world right now who know really specific parts about my life. They chose to no longer be in it. How do you know who to open up to? What if you open up to the wrong person and they walk out of your life? What if you are not opening up to the person who actually is decent because you are scared, they too will walk out?
I do not get it.
Actually I do. People drift away. It happens. Different goals in life, different beliefs, different point of views. They say something that pisses you off and you cannot imagine talking to them again. But if you think about it in depth, it is actually really scary. We have ex best friends walking around who know us better then then the back of their hand, yet they will never speak to you again. We have ex boyfriends and girlfriends who were everything to us at the time, walking around with our deepest darkest secrets. But somehow we hope for the best. Somehow we hope these people will never bring up "your life" to anyone in conversation. That honestly terrifies me.
Within the last couple of years, I noticed myself being more and more quiet. I am a pretty quiet person since pre-k, but now I just become silent in my own way. With every person I meet, I cannot keep myself from predicting the timeline of our relationship and when that person will get up and leave.
It is this never ending cycle with new friends and new relationships. From one side, I want to write a book with all my deepest and darkest secrets, awkward moments, and just random facts about me and just hand it out. That would be so much easier then wasting my time and energy into opening up to someone who will just end up ignoring me in a couple of months.
But from the other side, at this point in life you realize it is all a game. A game of life that we are all participating in without knowing. It is always a fifty-fifty chance in a new friendship or relationship of seeing if things will work out. And by choosing to open up little by little, we are testing the waters.
Anyhow, I do not get it. I wish people could just be straight up. Of course, I get it no one can predict the future, but like c'mon tell me your intentions. Are you talking to me because you actually care or because you are bored for the moment.
There needs to be some kind of code that we can crack. A code that will allow us to know if a person is temporary or is going to stay in our life for the long run. But sadly, there is not a code we can crack and we are stuck on our own.
We are in charge of the outcomes.