Thanksgiving is steadily approaching the horizon, and with it, the unrelenting force and phenomenon known as American football. Football is not only a Thanksgiving hallmark, it’s a fixture embedded in America-land of the free, home of the brave, birthplace of football.
That’s all great. Unfortunately, I’m ill-versed in football and all its intricacies. Rules and regulations commonly known by fans are largely lost on me. My parents were born and raised in England and South Korea, respectively. The reach of American football did not have a strong presence in their childhoods, and consequently, it had very little in mine as well, which left me in a clueless state whenever my friends and I got together to watch a football game.
I know nothing about football, but I can hold a conversation about the complexities of each brushstroke in the paintings of Claude Monet, famous French Impressionist. Actually, I’m not even able to do that…
In order to join in the collective cheers and groans that take place during a football game, I yell out several sport phrases at the TV with an unshakable air of confidence. For those who also don’t have a clue, but wish to fit in during a football party, here’s a small sample of what I end up reciting. You’re free to use them as well. Fair warning-some are more effective than others.
"Stay in the pocket!"
Just like with pants, pockets are essential in football. Every football fan worth their salt knows that. Games are won and lost by pockets. The relevance of this phrase is timeless. Use it frequently and your friends will be none the wiser.
"This game will be won in yardage! Not completions!"
This collection of words should get you by for the first quarter. You got to say it with a degree of authority and authenticity. Let them know that you stand strong on this stance. You’ll most likely get approving nods from your fellow football fans. However, be sure to devise an escape plan in case you’re asked to elaborate. My favorite tactic is to knock a bowl of Doritos from someone’s hands, then hastily run away through the backdoor. It works every 4 out of 5 times.
"We’ll get them back in the fourth quarter!"
Whenever you hear audible groans and frustrated screams, a good opportunity to display your football knowledge is to say, “We’ll get them back in the fourth quarter” while giving a sympathetic look. Sell to them that you’re suffering as well, that you’re sharing the burden of their plight, and you’ll win massive brownie points.
"Drive it to the end zone!"
The perfect thing about this phrase is that it works when NASCAR is on TV as well.
"Flank Em!"
Okay. Admittedly, this might actually be a phrase more commonly used in Call of Duty multiplayer. However, despite the probable overlap between Call of Duty fanatics and football fans, I've yet to see this phrase raise any eyebrows. Recite at your own risk.
