According to my Facebook profile, I have 509 friends. Unfortunately, Facebook lies. I would like to have 509 friends, 509 people who have shared parts of their lives with me, 509 distinct and definite perspectives on the world. But the truth is that, while I can recognize the names and faces of all my Facebook friends and know various details about their lives, some would pass me on the street without saying hi, and many know as little about my dreams and desires as I do about theirs. Yes, I have good will toward them and am interested in their lives. But have we shared any real experiences? Could I say that I know their strengths and weaknesses, their fears, the soft or sudden things that make their hearts sing?
Perhaps I am old-fashioned and have too high of expectations for friendship. Perhaps the definition of friendship has changed, and sharing a Snapchat story with someone is equivalent to sharing life together. Perhaps. But I hope not.
In an age where we have more ability than ever to make contact with others, it is vital that we understand what true friendship is. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest and Snapchat provide their own unique utility and pleasure, but these systems will never be able to replace the beauty and vitality of a complete friendship. It’s easy to confuse the knowledge of what a person does with the knowledge of who a person is, and even as we browse through pictures and news feeds of people we know, we must take time to learn and truly understand the people who surround us.
Once again, however, let me narrow the scope of what friendship means. Do not expect to have a complete and soul-stretching friendship with just about anyone. Aristotle distinguishes complete friendship from friendships for utility or for pleasure: “But complete friendship is the friendship of good people similar in virtue … Hence they wish goods to each other for each other’s own sake. Now those who wish goods to their friend for the friend’s own sake are friends most of all; for they have this attitude because of the friend himself, not coincidentally. Hence these people’s friendship lasts as long as they are good; and virtue is enduring.”
In other words, in order receive the blessings of a friend who is a “kindred spirit” and who will love you simply for who you are, you must be that sort of friend to others. If you cultivate virtue in yourself, you will attract people who have that same state of soul, and you will give to each other in a continual outpouring of life and strength. Because this kind of friendship requires effort, complete friendship is likely to be rare and needs time to be cultivated. Two people need time to grow accustomed to each other, and they cannot accept each other or be friends until each appears lovable to the other and gains the other’s confidence.
So take heart if you are the kind of person who makes friends slowly. Chances are that you do so because you are seeking a true and complete friendship, a friendship that is based upon a mutual selflessness and trust and that extends further than a few good experiences or laughs. Value the acquaintances and friends who show up on your Facebook feed or in your classes or at work. Every individual has a story that is worth knowing. But remember to seek for complete friendship, and with patience, good will and a good heart, you will establish a few good friends who know and love you for yourself.
