It’s been at least two months since I’ve seen, even talked, to most of you. Two months and three cities later.

I felt like I vanished one night in the beginning of June and fled.

I still look the same. Same blonde hair I’ll always argue is brown. Same number of tattoos etched into my skin. But something about me is different than two months ago.

I faced some fears. I made some stupid decisions. I cried a lot and laughed a ton. I broke some laws and met some great company in the process. For the first time in a long time, I felt myself grow.

I should probably be sorry for all the unanswered text messages and phone calls. It’s not like I don’t feel shitty for forgetting to say happy birthday or for letting eight phone calls go unanswered.

I used to think my happiness depended on my friend’s happiness. I whole-heartedly believed that if those I surrounded myself with were happy than it didn’t matter how happy I was. I prided myself on always being there for my friends, never letting a text or a call go unanswered. I would drop everything to be there those I cared about.

Please know your texts and missed phone calls didn’t go unnoticed and unappreciated. But, I’m not sorry for losing you along the way and saying I am would be insincere.

However, I must say thank you.

Thank you for letting me disappear to figure myself out. Thank you for forcing me to process shitty days on my own.

For two months, I had nobody who knew my life to turn to. When there were bad days, and moments that brought me down, I learned to handle them myself. And I felt myself get stronger for that. All my friends tell me I’m resilient, but it took shutting everyone out for two months to believe it myself.

I’m not one to be spontaneous, and my good friends will always remind me of that. I weighed the pros and cons of smoking for over a year before I ever tried it. Before it would have been unlike me venture to Oklahoma on a whim with my wallet and the clothes I was wearing.

But I did. I looked for shooting stars while lying on the roof of some guy’s car blasting music and watched the sunrise by a pond.

I spent two months focusing on myself, who I am and what makes me feel inside. I may have lost you along the way, but know that was never my intention. I’m always going to be there for you, I hope you know that, however I had to take two months to be there for myself.

I’ve rewritten these last sentences several times trying to find a less cheesy way to say it, but to the friends I’ve lost along the way, thank you. Thank you for letting me grow for two months.