If you're reading this because you do know someone who has been sexually assaulted, I'm sorry that this happened to someone you probably really cared about, because it can be just as hard for you as it is for them. If you're reading this because you have been sexually assaulted, I am sorry that you had to experience such a traumatizing event; you did not deserve it and it is not your fault. If you're reading this because you don't know anyone who has been sexually assaulted, but want to know how you can help someone if you need to, thank you. It's important to know even the simplest things can help that person out. As someone who unfortunately knows a few too many people, one of whom is very close to me, who have been sexually assaulted, this is a topic that hits a little too close to home. As someone who also knows too many people who don't know how to handle finding out that their friend has been assaulted, I found this to be incredibly necessary.

As college students, women (and yes, even men), have to worry about safely returning home after a night out. Hopefully, everyone has at least one friend that will keep an eye out on them, and vice versa, when at a party, just to make sure that nothing goes wrong. But of course, there are always times when people get separated, and more times than we realize, bad things happen. According to One in Four, five percent of women enrolled in a college or university experience sexual assault, every year in the United States, 1,270,000 women experience rape, and according to the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN), 98 percent of rapists will never spend a day in prison, three percent of men experience sexual assault, and nine of every ten rape victims were female in 2003. These statistics are nothing shy of scary. Our schools try and educate the campus community on sexual assault by hosting "Take Back the Night" events and other educational seminars that are mandatory to everyone on what rape and consent is, and what the repercussions are for attackers. Student Life offices will often provide outlets for victims to go to, and try to be supportive. However, this doesn't always mean that the school is proactive in eliminating or lowering sexual assault rates on their campuses, and often, they don't tell people how to be supportive of someone who has been assaulted.

Finding out that someone close to you, or even not, has been sexually assaulted can be a really hard thing to swallow. It's something we would like to think doesn't happen as often as we're told, when, in fact, it happens more often than we realize. When I found out that my friend had been raped, I was in complete shock and felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that people would go out of their way and think it's okay to hurt my friend the way that they did. I wondered how many other people they had done this to, and if they would ever get caught. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about it. As a woman, it's something I always have to fear when I'm walking through a parking lot, when I'm out with my friends, and even on campus sometimes. It's terrifying. But, when you find out about your friend or someone you know, these are a few things to keep in mind and to remind them.

1. Remind them it is not their fault.

Even if it's years later, if they bring it up, you can still remind them that it's not their fault. It's really easy for a victim to look back at what happened and think about how they could've prevented it, pushing them to blame themselves. It doesn't matter if they were drunk, under the influence of drugs, naked, fully clothed, half dressed, sober, or even flirting with the person earlier that night, it is never their fault. No means no. It is also important for people to realize that if someone is not sober, they are not able to give proper consent -- it does not matter how coherent they tell you they are. It also doesn't matter if they usually say yes. No. Means. No. "Maybe" does not mean yes. "I don't know" does not mean yes, either. No means no.

2. Don't ask them if they said "no."

While no means no, don't ask a victim if they said it. Don't make them feel bad if they didn't say it, or didn't make it clear. Rape is rape. If the sex was unwanted and forced, it is rape. It happened and that's the issue at hand.

3. Don't ask what they were wearing.

People who are fully clothed get sexually assaulted. What you wear means absolutely nothing, and your clothes are not an open invitation for assault. Wearing a dress, a short skirt, shorts, or even being naked does not mean you were "asking for it." Ever. End of story.

4. Don't ask if they were drunk.

Don't make them feel bad for drinking. Don't tell them that they should've known better if they were going to drink or go out. Rape should not be something that happens, so it doesn't matter if they were drunk. They weren't asking for it.

5. Encourage them to report it... but don't force it.

Often, they feel embarrassed and don't want to report it. They probably should, but that doesn't mean that you need to pressure them into reporting it right away. Sometimes they need to take some time to process what happened to them, or to even remember exactly what happened. Yes, if you are sexually assaulted, you should report it as soon as possible, but if you're trying to encourage your friend to report it, don't continue to push it to the point where they are uncomfortable.

6. Remind them that they should not take a shower after it happens.

If they are going to report it right away, they shouldn't shower after no matter how disgusting they feel. Don't let them change their clothes either. DNA can be found on their body or on their clothes. It'll make figuring out the attacker that much easier, if it is not someone they know.

7. Encourage them to get STD/STI and pregnancy tests done.

As scary, upsetting and embarrassing as that may be, they need to go for these tests. It doesn't matter if they think that they're not pregnant or didn't contract a disease or infection, they need to go just to confirm. It's better to be safe than sorry. And if these tests do end up coming back positive, at least they found out sooner than later, and can jump on finding a solution.

8. Don't joke about rape. Ever.

For some people, rape jokes or using the word out of context is really easy, but too many people don't realize that they can really be making someone feel horrible and uncomfortable. No, you did not just get totally raped playing that game, and no, you did not get raped by the last test you took. Don't ever joke about rape. It's not funny, plain and simple. It is never funny. Rape jokes are only part of the reason why rape culture still exists. If you don't make rape jokes, good, you shouldn't, but I hope you call someone out when they make a rape joke. I don't care if you feel like an asshole. Tell them that rape jokes aren't funny and that they need to stop. I promise you're not being an asshole.

9. Don't be friends with/continue to talk to the attacker.

If the attacker is someone you and your friend know, or someone you are friends with, don't keep talking to them. Don't condone what they did. Being friends with your friend's attacker is only going to make them more uncomfortable and feel like they have less people on their side during their time of need. Plus, just because you're friends with them, doesn't mean they won't do it to you too. I hope that they don't, but knowing that they've done it once (or potentially more than that), means that you should definitely keep your distance. It's an immediate red flag.

10. Don't try and convince them that leaving school/transferring/taking time off is a bad idea.

Having something this traumatic happen can have a really large impact on their academics and overall mental health. Sometimes, taking time off from school, or leaving that school as a whole, is the only option to recovery. If they do not feel safe and/or comfortable, they are not obligated to stay there. That is not something you should judge them for. Their mental health and safety always takes precedent.

11. Don't force them to talk about it.

If you've never experienced sexual assault (which I really hope you haven't), or have never had to help someone with it, you might want to make them talk about what happened so that you can have a better understanding of what they went through/are going through. While this might help you help them, it might be hurting them more than helping them. Don't pull information out of them. Let them talk about it when they're comfortable.

12. Just be there to listen.

I don't care how often or how little they talk about it, listen to them when they do bring it up. Talking it out might make them feel better, or help them remember what happened. Or maybe they just need a shoulder to cry on. You're their friend, be there for them. As a friend, just being there and supporting them through something this traumatic can make the world of difference.

If you, or someone you know, has been sexually assaulted, here are some places that can help you (aside from the police, medical professionals, and school officials):

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE (4673)

National Hotline for Crime Victims: 1-855-4-VICTIM (1-855-484-2846)

Nation Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453

Gift from Within for survivors of trauma and victimization: 207-236-8858

Planned Parenthood (search for one near you)

"I Believe in You, It's Not Your Fault" Blog