As I begin my first week of sophomore year (yes, it's nearly October and I'm just starting classes, thanks, quarter system), I'm taking a moment to honestly reflect on my freshman year, something I probably should have done a while ago. When people ask me about my freshman year, I usually say the same thing: it was tough at first, but that's normal, and now I love it. And that's not entirely untrue, because I do genuinely enjoy being here. Just not all the time.
Towards the end of the school year, a junior at Northwestern shared an article about his freshman year, and it seemed so similar to what I was going through that I couldn't believe it. Failure, and the fear of failure, kept me from doing a lot last year, because I thought that each time when I didn't meet expectations only proved that I didn't belong in a place like Northwestern.
Other things made it difficult for me to have an easy transition. My friends from home were extremely close in high school, and I am quite shy in new environments, so making friends in college was overwhelming and uncomfortable for me. I moved much farther away than I had initially intended, and knew I couldn't stop back at home for a weekend if I needed to. But probably, the most difficult hurdle to jump over was the way I saw others portraying their freshman year on social media.
I know how misleading Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat. posts can be in terms of representing what a person is actually going through. Even though I knew that at the beginning of last year too, it's tough to actually keep that in mind, especially when you're scrolling through someone else's super fun freshman album after a particularly difficult day. I'm guilty of this too, and it makes sense--you don't usually advertise it when you're having a hard time. The only problem is that since no one talks about it, it makes it seem like you're "doing college wrong" if you feel any different than what you've seen online.
That's not to say I haven't had good times. I've joined some student groups I thoroughly enjoy, I've met amazing people that I'm so lucky to call friends, and I have some great memories from freshman year. But those good things don't erase the bad things I went through last year. I struggled with my mental health, my self-esteem, homesickness, and coming to terms with being on my own for the first time. I was far from the perfect Northwestern student last year, and the only difference now is that I have no desire to be perfect. I just want to be happy. I want to surround myself with people smarter than me and learn from them. I want to develop better study habits, be a good friend, and make cool DIY projects with my roommate.
I spent the first few days being back on campus as a Peer Adviser, and throughout that time, I struggled to balance being positive when talking to new students about their upcoming year and being realistic. I hope new students go into their first year excited about what they can do, but I also want them to prepare themselves for the days where they aren't so happy to be here. Those days do come, and they're difficult, but I think having conversations about them only helps us all, because when you are having a tough time, at least you know you aren't alone.
