1. You hate England.
It is too full of grey and clouds
and no one ever says what they mean
until they’re drunk.
Too many smiles.
She bumps into you on your way
to something or another and immediately
scowls. Sorry, is the hallway
not big enough for you?
She has, you think, the best frown
you’ve ever seen.
2. She loves America.
You knew she would, but you pretend
that it comes as a surprise
just so she’ll huff and roll her eyes
like she does when she’s trying not to smile
(or so you think at least).
Maybe she just really is that fed up with you.
You’re a third-grader with a crush all over again.
You tweak her nose and call her names, but
behind her back,
you let them know she’s the best in the field.
3. She loves work.
The hospital loves her too, of course; she’s
a surgeon who knows what she’s doing
and looks like she just stepped out of a painting.
You only tease her when you’re alone.
They don’t like you – you don’t want them
saying things about her that they say about you.
You try to explain it to her, once,
and she tilts her head.
I don’t view you as a ‘loathsome toad,’ Robert.
Before she leaves, you hug her tight and don’t explain why.
4. You hate lies.
She comes with you to lunch,
lets you pay and make her laugh, but
the moment you suggest the word date
she freezes up, stares
into her coffee and mumbles
something about working for you, inappropriate…
You have a policy, you nod and swallow your pride,
of course. My apologies. She waves
a hand to say it’s fine, and then
kisses Peter Benton in the locker room.
5. You hate Benton.
He acts like he doesn’t know, like he
is somehow unaware even when she ducks her head
to avoid you when you walk by.
She follows after him with hopeful mischief in
her eyes and in her smile,
and he tells her not now, no, not now
until she stops smiling,
starts asking why and when and
don’t you ever smile, Peter?
You practice smiling in the mirror. It looks wrong.
6. She loves fast.
You know this; it takes her days to fall in love
and months to fall out of it. She
has been falling out of love with Benton
for just three months when
Mark Greene takes her to a wedding, and you think
you never stood a chance anyway.
You do your job. You don’t think of
Greene teaching her the tango.
It’s enough, sometimes, just to see her
starry eyes across someone’s open body.
7. She loves Greene.
It’s the worst Monday even before
she bounds in glowing with a ring on her finger.
It only gets worse as she tells you
he’s bought them a house,
and there’s a room labelled ‘nursery.’
You smile thinly and try to forget
the nights you stayed up imagining –
whatever it is people in love imagine.
Congrats. Don’t lose it in a colon.
She just laughs.
8. You hate yourself.
She marries him, has a daughter,
is happy
and somehow you still can’t
make yourself keep away.
It’s fine, you’re friends, so what if you
talk to her softer or ask her advice?
You don’t touch her, don’t whisper
anything closer than two feet away,
don’t say things you’ll regret. So what?
She’s married, that’s what.
9. You hate cancer.
Everyone knows about it before she does
even you.
But she does find out
and you find her
sobbing in the dark and holding herself.
She’s done this already, watched him brush with death.
I am sick and tired of being the strong one.
What am I supposed to do, go home and watch him die?
You take a breath. You ask if she loves him.
She stares at you with red-rimmed eyes, and for a moment all she does is breathe.
10. She hates heat.
Her husband is dying and
he wants to die near the ocean and the sand
and the heat, so she goes with him.
You stay. She tells you goodbye with a smile
as plastic and hollow as your chest.
She writes letters that only stop when
Mark died at 6:30 this morning.
The sun was rising.
She doesn’t come back for months, not until you lose an arm.
It’s almost worth it.
11. You love her.
You say it. You say it.
She looks away and pretends
she doesn’t hear.
She is aimless and half-empty, but
you love her, and it hurts.
You touch her cheek, once,
and she skitters away so you promise,
it won’t happen again.
It’s snowing ash. There’s a shadow over the asphalt.
You look up.
