“Dammit!” President of the United States of America Donald Trump shouted, furiously pacing the floor of the Oval Office, “How in the seven seas of hell was I elected President?” Trump lamented.
“There HAS to be some way for me to be impeached!” Trump desperately shouted to himself, continuing to trudge his feet across the floor. Trump tried to no avail to think of any satisfying ideas, he was truly stumped, greatly dismayed that his past ideas had all ended in epic failure.
“I tried the Travel ban, the sex tapes, pissing off our closest allies and threatening to declare war on them, the RUSSIAN sex tapes! Claiming voter fraud (to see if the Russians really did hack the election), stating that torture and waterboarding was okay with me, selected the ABSOLUTE WORST cabinet picks for almost each and every single position, I’ve tried being as vulgar and as unhinged mentally as humanly possible…and STILL THESE CLOWNS IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE—AND THAT NASTY WOMAN, KELLY ANNE CONWAY, SUPPORT ME!” Trump slammed his fists onto a nearby table.
“No…” Trump murmured in a determined tone, “I must do something greater…I must do something so outrageous, so vile and reprehensive, so unconstitutional, that nobody could possibly support me…but what?”
Trump tried once more to brainstorm, staying silent for 10 minutes, before becoming flustered and shouting,
“Dammit! Why couldn’t Hillary just win? I was only it in the for money!—I did not think I’d actually win!” Trump stamped his feet in a tumultuous rage.
“…I figure something out, I have to. I’ll just watch some ‘Finding Dory.’”
Just then, Steve Bannon walked in and Trump instantly stuttered into panic.
“Trump,” Bannon muttered in a dismissive tone, “I overheard your rant, stick to the plan, or I’ll put you on notice.”
Trump, confused and upset, stammered, “What is that supposed to mean?! And I don’t want to stick to the plan!”
Bannon then performed a secret jedi mind trick; walking up only a few feet away from Trump, giving a 1000 yard stare into Trump’s eyes and snapping his fingers.
“HILLARY CLINTON IS A LOSER! SAD!” Trump robotically yelled.
“Now tweet it,” Bannon commanded.
In a flurry of incoordination from the 70 year old man, Trump lurched out for his phone—firing off the tweet in a matter of seconds
Bannon snapped his fingers once more,
“WE’RE GOING TO BUILD A WALL AND MAKE MEXICO PAY FOR IT! AND IF NOT WE’RE GOING TO INVADE THEM!” Trump emphatically screeched.
“Excellent,” Bannon rubbed his hands together, “the plan is going swimmingly.”
It was then that Sean Spicer walked in asking jovially,
“How’s it coming along?”
“Better than I could have possibly hoped!” Bannon beamed with sinister satisfaction.
“How did you like my press conference today, sir?” Spicer asked, seeking approval.
“I thought it was brilliant! Deflect, distract, destroy! The three D’s—and you accomplished all of them brilliantly.”
“So what do I tell Putin in our next report?”
“Tell Putin that all is going according to plan.”
“Roger that, sir,” Spicer said with conviction, as he made for a quick exit.
“We shall destroy the State…one step at a time,” Bannon chillingly said himself, departing before Trump regained consciousness.