Depression: a state of feeling sad, hopeless, and unimportant.
Depression affects about 14.8 million American adults, 18 years and older.
One out of four college students suffers from some form of mental illness, including depression.
Until about November 2015, I thought those statistics did not apply to me. I thought that I knew who I was, who I wanted to be, how I wanted to be and I most of all I thought that I could never be unhappy. I found a place I thought represented happiness and faked it until I broke. November 12, 2015, I sat in my bathroom, crying, confused and most of all disappointed — it was that time of the semester when everything was getting to be too much. But I picked myself off of that floor and kept pushing through, faking the smiles and pretending that WWIII wasn’t going on in my head of emotions. Fast-forward, the semester ended and I made the worst GPA in my academic career and it made me feel unintelligent, useless, and hopeless, and I thus began my spiral downward.
I started to distance myself from the world and began to dance with the demons inside my head — it made it easier that I had completely gone numb. That numbness continued all of winter break and even though I told everyone “I’m good” and “I’m just having a bad day” (even though every day was a bad day), I still expected people to do more, ask more questions, force themselves inside of my head so we could figure out what was going on in my head. More and more friends distanced themselves, more and more tears fell from my cheeks, more and more fake smiles appeared in my Instagram photos, more and more hurt and pain suppressed by my tweets like “it will eventually get better,” and what I didn’t know was God was preparing to take me to lowest place inside of myself. I can admit, from November until about February ,I hadn’t called on Jesus in prayer like I was taught growing up — because truthfully, I didn’t think he would listen if I called. God is faithful.
February 2, 2016, I stepped out of bed for the first time that month and stepped onto a scale, which placed the numbers 118 in my face. As I cried myself back to bed, unmoved by those numbers enough to eat, I received a text message from my mother. “ Stephon. I just want you to know that I love you. I wish you weren’t in this position but my only hope is for you to get through this storm.” I hadn’t told my mother about anything that I was internally dealing with, but somehow, she knew I was hurting. After that message I decided to move back home and leave school for a while to figure out what this pain was -- and from then my life changed. God is merciful.
Moving back home, I began to build myself up again, piece by piece, prayer by prayer, one therapy session at a time. I began to talk to God again and he talked back, and little by little I began to feel like someone again. I told God, “I fully submit myself to you. Do whatever you want with me, however you want. I am yours. I am a living sacrifice, use me.” Since then, he has placed me around people, situations, and circumstances to build me up again- - I smile authentically, I find myself uncontrollably laughing at nothing (I never thought I would hear myself laugh again). I began to live as Stephon, because he is good enough. I removed myself from things that caused fake happiness and replaced them with people, prayers, positivity, and authentic joy. God is love.
Today, April 26, 2016, marks the 85th day of recovery and authenticity. I allowed myself to feel loved again, by a God that never stopped. I allowed my mother to do what God asked her to do and put me back together. I stopped making excuses for my depression and began to strategically battle it, a fight that will never stop. Depression comes in many forms and stays with you, but it is not impossible to fight. To those battling depression: allow God in, allow yourself to be vulnerable to those that love you, and allow love to consume you.
With love,
Stephon
"And thou shalt love the Lord thy God, with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might." Deuteronomy 6:5
