Not many people know the full extend of trauma and out of the ordinary events that have happened to me in my short 18 years of living. In April of 2010, my biological mom was murdered. In the winter of 2014, I was removed from my biological father's care and guardianship. By September 2014, I was a full-fledged foster kid living with my aunt and uncle (future mom and dad) 800 miles away from where I had been all my life, Connecticut.

While living in Connecticut and being a little kid, I always remember Christmas as snowy and warm when my bio mom was alive. Santa came in his special way of leaving a special letter for myself and the others around the tree Christmas morning.

The year I lost my bio mom was hard, for what I think is obvious reasons, but when Christmas time came around, I was ecstatic. My birthday was a flop with my bio dad and I thought that this magical time of year would make up for it.

Plot twist: it didn't. The special letters weren't there, the special breakfast casserole wasn't there, there wasn't the same air of excitement and mystery like I had remembered from the year before.

Each year, I would still get *excited* about the holidays, but it just wasn't the same. Having high expectations with almost no follow through hurt and I didn't like to think about it all that much.

Flash forward to my first Christmas with my mom and dad, I didn't really know what to expect from the holidays. My mom went all out on Christmas decorating, as she always does, we baked a lot, and then on Christmas day, there was barely any room for the cats to hang out under the tree anymore.

My conception of Christmas has gone back and forth on the positively and negatively connotation scale a lot. But since moving in with my adoptive parents, Christmas has gone through an emotional rehab with me and now I feel as if every year I become jollier and jollier.

So if you have a lot going on in your life, or lost someone special that made your holiday season special, there is a chance for you to own it and reinvent what you once had and make it an even merrier time of year. I've lost a lot of loved ones and the holidays can easily be a depressing time reflecting on them not being in my life anymore. However, instead of looking at the negatives, be thankful that you are still here having an impact on other's lives. I try not to dwell, but enjoy life and the holidays with them in mind.