These are words I heard spoken to one of the greatest, most resilient people I’ve ever known: Meredith Grey. Laugh if you’d like, but to me, the cast of "“Grey’s” Anatomy" is so much more than just a cast of a Thursday night show on ABC. I sometimes worry that if an emergency were to happen, without thinking, I’d volunteer to provide medical attention because 12 seasons of medical drama qualifies me to perform medical procedures right? "“Grey’s” Anatomy" has always held a special place in my heart. I started watching it with my mom when it first aired in 2005. We would record it on VHS (yes, you read that right…VHS) and we would watch it every Friday night when I would get home from practice. I grew up with “Grey’s” Anatomy”, and as cheesy as it may sound, I’ve learned some of life’s greatest lessons from the show.
Being the avid “Grey’s” enthusiast that I am, it should come as no surprise that one of the highlights of this past weekend was getting to watch the first episode back following what seemed like an everlasting midseason break. Without giving too many spoilers, the episode depicts Meredith and Amelia (sister of Meredith’s deceased husband) at a crossroads. Richard Weber, ex-chief, technical stepfather to Meredith, long time friend, and mentor advises, “Forgiveness is a powerful thing, Meredith. Not only to make the other person feel good but to heal you. You need to forgive her. Forgive her for not being Derek. For being the wrong Shepherd, just enough to remind you of what's missing, but not enough to bring him back. That's not her fault. You don't have to like her. You don't have to love her. But forgive her, OK? Let it go, Meredith, and forgive."
As I watched the scene unfold, I found myself hung up on what Richard had to say. His emphasis on the dire need for Meredith to forgive her sister in law struck a chord in me.
Having been raised in a Catholic home, attending a Christian high school, and now attending a Christian college, I was taught that forgiveness should come as second nature. As Christ-followers, we are to love the ones that hurt us harder and more fervently than those that don’t. Automatically, Luke 6:29 comes to mind, “If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them”.
Being the convergent, logical, left-brained thinker that I am, I never questioned this thought process. I’m a people pleaser to the flaw, so the “forgive and forget” method always worked for me because I physically, emotionally, and spiritually cannot handle anyone being upset with me. I don’t like to stir the pot, I loathe conflict more than anything, and I never want to hurt anyone. Therefore, in my book, a simple “sorry” from the person that wronged me has always been sufficient because I just want to put the altercation behind me.
But something has changed in me recently. I can’t say for certain whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is that it’s caused countless hours of introspection, from which I am yet to find clarity.
A lot has happened over the course of this past year, and it’s driven me — for the first time in my life — to question the simplistic nature of forgiveness. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that changed, but I’m starting to see things through a new lens. Maybe it’s the gradual erosion of the innocent, naïve outlook I’ve always possessed- a sign of me growing up. Or maybe it’s just a subconscious defense mechanism, being hypersensitive to the true intentions behind the actions of those around me. I’ve been wondering, what would happen if we weren’t always so quick to forgive? What if saying “it’s OK” after someone hurts you wasn’t so habitual and instinctual? Am I a heretic for thinking that someone might not deserve the instant gratification of forgiveness?
Lately, I’ve been trying to process the utter depth and value of forgiveness. I can’t help but think that we take advantage of its utter beauty and significance. We go through the motions of “I’m sorry” and “it’s OK” so mindlessly that we don’t actually comprehend the significance of the exchange. I think we all need a healthy reminder that forgiveness is not a man-made concept, let alone is it even fully fathomable for the human mind. The essence of forgiveness was the ultimate demonstration of unconditional love bestowed upon us by our creator. (Just to clarify, in no way shape or form am I pointing any fingers. I am just as guilty as the next guy for granting thoughtless forgiveness because it’s much easier and helps us move on faster.)
But, I’m realizing that the gesture of my forgiveness is worth more than that. I don’t have to settle, just so someone else can sleep better at night. I recently learned that the entire foundation upon which I formed my identity was a jumbled, messy, hurtful web of lies that continues to bring immeasurable pain to some of the people I care about most. Yet, the automatic expectation is that I will be the bigger person, smile through the tears and forgive. But, like I said, my struggle lies in how I should move forward from here. The status quo tells me to forgive and forget, but I don’t think it’s that simple. Being honest, I’m in a place where I resent the idea of forgiving the person that hurt me most. At this moment, my gut is telling me that automatic forgiveness just enables the person to continue their wrongful actions. Does our habitual, mindless forgiveness take away from the profound concept that God intended it to be?
In these moments of hurt frustration, I validate my desire to protect myself and resist forgiving those who have broken me. But in moments of clarity, I am reminded of our God’s incomprehensible love and capacity to heal. He continues to pursue us relentlessly, despite our ugly, selfish, sinful nature. Although I may be wrestle with the concept of forgiveness, I value the struggle because I am learning to find beauty in the imperfect. My 21 years of experience haven’t given me the answers to solve the world’s problems, but every day I navigate my way through this thing called life, I learn something new. Right now, I’m learning that maybe there’s something to be said about a hunch. Maybe it’s OK to delay accepting empty apologies so that growth can happen in the hearts of both parties. Maybe I’m hesitant to forgive because I need more time to nurse the wounds. I don’t want to re-establish a broken relationship on an unsteady surface, and I owe it to the other person to be genuine in my feelings, whatever that may entail. I’ve learned that despite the immediate gratification, half-hearted forgiveness and harboring bitterness will indefinitely lead to greater conflict down the road. Ultimately, I want to reach a place of peace, where I feel strong enough to face the destruction, but right now I can’t. And I have to accept that. In the meantime, I’m going to invest in those that push me to be a better person, pray continuously for wisdom and discernment, and remind myself that “forgiveness is a powerful thing” to be treasured far beyond the confounds of an impulsive decision.
