There are many things I regret in my 20 years of living: people I wish I never became friends with, boys I wish I had never wasted my time on, words I wish I could have spoken before it was too late, and so on and so forth.
If I had a time machine, there are countless parts of my life that I wish I could do over. I would go to a different college in a big city. I would not choose a major that I hated just because I thought it was what everyone expected of me. I would tell my brother that I loved him each and every day so that maybe his outcome would be different. I would spend my high school years being a better friend to my best friends rather than worrying about people who would not even matter after graduation. I would focus on loving myself rather than hoping the love of others could fill the hole in my heart.
But even though I regret so much of teenage years, and even though some of the things I went through still eat me alive inside, I would re-live them over and over again. Why, you ask? Because even though they were stupid decisions and even though they hurt, they made me into the person I am today, and I love that person.
If I had gone to a different college I would not have met the professor who helped me realize my calling was writing, because it was the only thing that truly helped me to express myself. If I had moved to a big city I would never have met my boyfriend who swears I am the most beautiful creature to walk this earth, even if I don’t think so. If I had decided not to play soccer in college, I would have never been a part of a team that not only befriended the weird bookworm, but welcomed me with open arms.
If I would have done anything different, I would not have learned all of the lessons that I did. I would not appreciate life to the fullest extent. I would not wake up every day just thankful to be alive. I would not try and express my love to the people I care about, because I would still take them for granted. I would not be able to look back on the mistakes I have made and recognize where I went wrong, I would only continue to blame others. But I have changed. I have grown up and matured and learned to hold myself accountable.
I may not be able to change what happened in the past, and I may not be able to mend the friendships that were torn apart when I was a selfish teenager, but because I experienced those incidents I am able to learn from my wrongdoings. I am able to better myself as a person.
So, to the people who hurt me, big or small, I forgive you. I am done holding onto the past. I am not the same person I once was, and I don’t expect you to be either.
And to the people I hurt, big or small, I hope you find it in you to do the same. Not for me, but for yourself. Because the only person you hurt by holding a grudge is you.
