What's on my mind? In the wee hours of the morning while at work, I couldn't help but reflect heavily about where so much unaddressed angst in my spirit was coming. Out of nowhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I subconsciously have been impatiently waiting for apologies from people who have wronged me over time. This may seem insignificant to many reading this, but I was unwittingly giving the aforementioned people power over my mood and disposition. It's refreshing to finally realize that I simply must accept apologies that, quite frankly, are probably never going to come from both family and former friends.

I truly am working, not trying, to clean up my act and get sin out of my life these days. I usually come off as very jovial and crack jokes often, but many times I use humor as a coping mechanism to keep debilitating depression at bay. Many years ago, my Sensei explained to his class in so many words "'Trying' unintentionally invites the possibility of doubt and failure into the equation." As Yoda famously said: "Do or do not. There is no try." Likewise, Nike, one of the most well-known sporting brands on Earth, got its name from the Greek goddess of victory. Do you see collegiate and professional athletes who rock the Swoosh "Just try it"? Nah...we all know their catch phrase: "Just DO it."

I suppose, without realizing it, I've only been trying to forgive people who have done me wrong in the past. This has really has held me back because it causes me to low key have bitterness and resentment in my heart, and negative emotions like that are beyond draining and not of God. I recently read on a Psychology website the brain actually registers and processes emotional pain the same as physical pain. That really struck a chord with me and explained why when so many people in my life became fakes and snakes, it really hurt me to the core.

I work really hard to be a good person that lives by the Golden Rule: DO unto other as you would want them to DO unto you. Honestly? It may seem simple, but I love myself...flaws included, and it's taken a LONG time to get here. The flaws are simply obstacles I look forward to overcoming in due time with God's help. I used to get so bent outa shape when people would ghost me when I had the nerve and audacity to go through some real struggles in life, but now I'm truly understanding some are in your life for a reason and others merely a season.

It's incredibly sad I can talk with complete and random strangers about anything (usually something spiritual) and feel a more genuine connection with them than people I used to kick it with on a daily basis, but que será, será: whatever will be, will be. I don't have any animosity towards those that I've fallen off with or anything like that. I'm just BEYOND careful on whom I bestow the title of "friend". I've been wronged by SO many people in the brevity that is 30 years but honestly? Jesus went through infinitely more turmoil and didn't deserve any of it.

I recently read in one of my Bible devotions how Peter and Judas both had immense guilt in regards to how they treated Jesus in the end, Peter with his three denials and Judas with his betrayal. NO lol, I'm not saying I'm Jesus; rather, it got me thinking about what I am guilty of in regards to sin in my life and the glaring issue for me was forgiveness. I can be honest with myself and say that if I saw certain people from my past, my initial instinct would be to hit 'em with a smooth spinning back kick, but I know that's not the right thing to do 😂.

"Forgive them for they know not what they do." If Christ could forgive those who were crucifying Him and STILL had it in Him to save one of the men being crucified along side Him, then I must do better with forgiveness in my life.

While reflecting on the topic of forgiveness, I can't forget to mention something incredibly important: learn how to forgive YOURSELF. More often than not, we're our own worst enemy. If you can't forgive yourself, you probably don't fully love yourself. If you can't love yourself, who else can possibly do so??? Not just in a romantic way, either. Sometimes people can't accept or recognize genuine love a friendship can bring because their perspective of life is so tainted with self hatred. There is nothing healthy about that. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and sins, striving not to be a repeat offender of things that have held you back in life. When you slip up? Buck up and get up!

- Lee