I Forgive You

I need to get this off my chest, and no I don't mean I need to vent, or unload whatever it is that you did that upset me. I need to forgive you because holding onto my anger isn't hurting you. In the wise words of my father, you're taking up a room in my head without paying any rent. I need to forgive you not because you deserve it, but because i deserve to let go of whatever pain you're still causing me. I forgive you.

If you've taken an American History class (and paid attention) you know that the United States has been paying Cuba for Guantanamo Bay for over 50-years, and Cuba refuses to cash the checks. My time spent holding on to hate for you is the equivalent of the checks the United States writes. Cuba doesn't cash them, just like you don't register my hurt at your hands. (I had a college roommate put this into an analogy for me and I never forgot it, thanks heather). This situation I've put myself in is a prison, a prison that nobody benefits from. So I'm accepting the apology you couldn't give me, and I'm not letting you be a dark cloud on the sunshine that is my life. I forgive you.

I forgive you despite the fact that you are not sorry, I forgive you despite the fact that you don't think you did anything wrong, and I forgive you for calling me crazy for getting upset in the first place. The truth of the matter is, you don't get to decide whether or not your actions caused me any kind of hurt or negative reaction. But on that same grain, I don't get to decide if you feel remorse for the hurt. For a long time I thought the only way to win was to cause you just as much hurt and pain, but I realized that because I loved you at one point, I can't bring myself to do something that I know would really and genuinely hurt you. You were such an integral part of my life, whether you were my friend, my confidant, my boyfriend, my almost boyfriend, or just someone in general that I trusted. I trusted in letting you know my weaknesses and at the end of it all, you preyed on them, but it's ok. I forgive you.

Just to be clear, I am not forgiving you because you deserve my forgiveness, or because I want to make amends. I am forgiving you because my heart deserves to be filled with love, and warmth and happiness. Holding onto a grudge I have against you for whatever reason (I have an incredible memory so Christine from 3rd grade, I even forgive you for kicking me down the slide) is holding onto anger, and hate, and it sits in my heart and takes up space that should be taken up by fuzzy feel good stuff. So i want you to know, despite that I've held onto this for what seems like forever, I forgive you.

I don't forgive you in the hopes that we will rebuild, and rekindle our friendship. You will never be a name that can pop up on my phone and not startle me, you will never be invited to come have dinner at my house, but I am forgiving you because having hatred for someone i never interact with is a waste, and frankly a little silly. I wish you the best in all that you do, I hope your future is bright, and filled with happiness. And most importantly; I forgive you.