If you have ever gone through the ending of a relationship or a friendship, you are probably familiar with the sort of gaping feeling that you experience afterwards, which is, sadly, the need for closure.
Some people--the lucky ones--don’t experience this. And I definitely admire their ability to conjure self-assurance and move forward without so much as a glance back. I applaud that.
On the other hand, for all of the other “unlucky ones” who crave that definitive ending, you should not be ashamed. There’s nothing wrong in attempting to aid the mental process in accepting that your life is about to adjust ever so slightly.
We all go through it--the “stages of grief”. We push through the denial, the anger, the depression, the bargaining. And once we reach the point where we’re supposed to accept the situation, there’s something holding us back, and we relive the cycle all over again.
Closure is sometimes, maybe most times, unattainable. And it makes me wonder, is there really such a thing? When you spend hours imagining what life would be like after that satisfying conversation with the one you lost, do you really feel like that will magically turn your life around?
When the moment comes, it might not. But, we still want that moment. So in the meantime:
You might need to actively remind yourself that there are things in this world that are out of your control.
I have to do this daily. Sometimes we want to have that chance to have the last goodbye or get that apology from someone, but you can’t force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. And you should actively remind yourself that. Organize your thoughts in the situation: which ones are your decisions and which ones are theirs. You can beg for someone to come back into your life, but it’s up to them to say yes. You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can change what came out of it.
When we start to realize that we’re repeatedly waiting for something that won’t happen, that we’re knocking on a door that’s sealed shut, that we’re trapped in borderline insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results, then we can finally wake ourselves up and realize that something needs to change.
Collect tools of acceptance.
If the first one doesn’t work, (and it almost never works by itself) train yourself to rely on tools of acceptance that you need to develop yourself. Try to have things ready for you for when you’re feeling especially overwhelmed thinking about that situation.
This could be anything--have music or movies on deck to distract you. Or something new and healthy to pour energy into like start going to the gym. People say this all the time, but it’s because it actually works. Sometimes you just need to distract yourself and sometimes it’s therapeutic to be doing something even if it’s not contributing to the situation that’s stressing you.
Give yourself variety in this one. Eventually defaulting to the same stress relievers might start feeling routine and lose its effect. Don’t let that happen!
You might need to put yourself around new people.
A lot of the reason it’s hard to move on is if everything around you remains the same. This dramatizes the effect that you’ve lost something and a presence is missing in your life. Start doing little things to change your surroundings. Try eating at different restaurants, hang out with someone you haven’t seen in a while.
Honestly, this might be the best and most refreshing one to do. Toxic situations commonly come from toxic environments. Just saying.
You might not be ready. So take matters into your own hands.
There’s no immediate or definitive stop to pain. What takes people weeks to get over, might take you months. And that’s fine. Just know that that person you’re hung up on, they don’t deserve a second more of your time. Try as hard as possible to look forward to the moment that you realize that you’ve forgotten about those wounds, and it stings a little less. And even if it never comes, entertain the possibility that it will.
Give yourself the closure. Hold a funeral and burn the things you still have that remind you of them. Write a letter to them and don't send it. Do something. Anything. It's just important to know that you can do something, even if it's not the all encompassing cure. Just because you feel like something’s holding you back, doesn’t mean you stop moving forward all together. Take it a day at a time.
