After stepping foot out of my dorm room for the last time this year I felt a flood of confusion rain down on me as I realized that I wasn’t returning to this place. Not the physical location per say but this phase of life, this exact moment in time when things were emotionally draining but filled with an unexpected ease.
College isn’t simple and straightforward by any means but there aren’t many times in a person’s existence where they are allowed to be half of an adult. Have everything half figured out. There’s a comforting aspect in knowing that you can have an 8:30 class the next morning but still choose to go out for ice cream at midnight with your friends. You’re allowed to wear a hoodie, a bun and pajama pants and people won’t even bat an eye. If you fall asleep in a place that isn’t your home, you aren’t struggling, you’re empathized with.
So leaving this comfortable place knowing that I could potentially never be in that building again, let alone that phase, scared me. The anxiety that’s produced by putting the weight of the world on your shoulders fell on me. And honestly, I wasn’t ready for it. My wise mother, who’s often mentioned in these articles, again worked her giftings and reminded me of something that I had forgotten yet again.
That God is faithful. That’s it. That’s who He is. His whole character is built around His perfect love and faithfulness.
How could I forget? The worst part being that He had just poured out an abundance of grace on my finals, that due to unforseen circumstances, I should have failed. He was there with me (like He always is) bringing things to memory and providing the peace I needed to make it through an essay and two exams. Things that, in the grand scheme of things, are finite.
I asked myself anew, how can you worry? How can you, a child of God - made with care and attention - think that your Heavenly Father would leave you to fend for yourself? I’m embarrassed to say that this is a daily occurrence. I would really like to tell you all that I remember on the daily that the Creator of the universe is taking care of the most minuscule of details in my life, so I shouldn’t fret - but I really don’t. The planner inside me that often keeps me organized and on time is also the one that questions the Lord’s plan when I can’t see an obvious answer to my many questions.
Fast forward a week later and I found myself yet again in this period of pointed apprehension of what’s next. It was then that I decided that I would write out how the Lord has taken care of every college kid’s worry. I have been gifted with two jobs for the summer. One that is filled with people who are like family and is familiar in function. It caters to the personable and classy part of my personality that enjoys being professional.
The other appeals to the side of me that wants a challenge, to question and learn and most importantly come to work in a sweatshirt. I have been given the best of both worlds where I can pursue my passions of people and education. How is that even possible? The greatest part is that I don’t have to work on weekends. So how could I begin to question the validity of my path, of the uncertainty of relationships or where I’m going to be in three months when He has taken care of my finances and my time so perfectly.
However, it’s real - this questioning. It often haunts me and leaves me paralyzed in fear. But man oh man, when I actually take a step back and I remember that the God who has met me in my fears and needs before is going to show up each and every time - it is freeing.
In spite of my unfaithfulness, of my greed, of my need for control, He molds my future to give me the best possible outcome for me. There’s no way I could come up with anything better. It will be through prayer and time with Him that it will get a little bit easier not to doubt His goodness. Learning about His character through His Word will give me a little more perspective and shining a light onto the unknown will illuminate His faithfulness.
Living in this world, it’s difficult to walk out without fearing what’s to come (or not to) but with Christ we don’t have to carry that burden. We can trust that He is near and perfectly capable of making things happen. So maybe next time when I fall into a fit of restlessness and misgiving, I can think of the God who has shown up, who takes care of it all and never provides me less than His best when I continue to seek after Him.
