My life has revolved around you since the day we met. Everything I say, everything I do, every movement I make, revolves around you. Everything I am and have become is because of you. I guess, thank you. For showing me so many things, whether they broke me to pieces or made me stronger. Thank you. For the pain you've caused. Because with this experience, I decided to become my own hero, which is the best thing I have ever done.

It's been awhile since I have been able to sit down and think about you, without having a complete and total breakdown. But I decided to sit in front of this screen today and write to you, because I am done allowing myself to be sad for the things I can't control. I am done allowing myself to let your addiction control me. I am done allowing your words to affect me, your actions stab into the pits of my heart, and your cancelled plans to let me feel an empty pit inside my heart. I am done allowing myself to be under the influence of your addiction. It's my time. It's my turn. This is my future, and you don't get to take that away from me anymore.

I guess I want to start by telling you I'm sorry. For not being able to help, for not being able to handle what you threw at me, for not always being strong and not being able to maintain composure at the worst moments in life. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted. I'm sorry that I couldn't help but lose my mind every time I saw you with a drink in your hand. But, I shouldn't have to be sorry. I shouldn't have to feel bad for breaking down when all you ever did was watch me. I shouldn't be apologizing for pain you've caused, and no longer will. For you will never know the pain I have inside, and the hate combatted with sadness that I couldn't just fix you.


I want you to know that it hurts. I'm not sure if you are aware of your actions, and the effect they have on me and the rest of our family, but everything you do, and fail to do, come back to me. Our late night fights, our Christmas day disasters, putting you to bed because you were too drunk to do so for me, and watching you slowly destroy yourself piece by piece for things you have yet to overcome puts lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes. I hated when you didn't make it to my soccer practice, or my chorus concerts, or my parent/student math day in fourth grade. I hated watching you stumble in late to my High School plays, or find your seat halfway through the award ceremony for Freshman year, when everyone else's dads were first in line, putting in overtime, praising their daughters or sons with everything they accomplished. I hated not being a normal kid with a normal family, I hated it with my entire being. The hardest thing about it was, that I loved you anyway.

Honestly, you made me feel as though I failed as a person. I couldn't do anything right. Every inch of my being ached with the thought that maybe I just wasn't good enough. Your actions and cancelled plans and failed attempts as a parent made me wonder if maybe it wasn't you, maybe it was me. I felt at loss, because I loved you with every inch of my being and when I laid in bed at night with tears streaming down my face, cupping my mouth with my hand so nobody could hear, and my eyes stung with insomnia and all I wanted to do was close them, but I didn't have the energy to, I found you within me. I found your emotions drowning my insides and your lost heart suffocating within me. Because, I know what it feels for you. I sat at night feeling lost and distraught, when you were doing the exact same thing. I hated how alike we were, because I somehow understood the things you felt. When I just wanted to be able to hate you, I couldn't. I spent years, my entire damn life letting you control me, and maybe you didn't even know how much it hurt me, but it did. I tried so fucking hard to be what you wanted me to be, I let you shove me around. I let your words overpower your actions.

I will no longer allow myself to give up my life for yours. I will no longer sit in silence with tears dripping down my cheeks because I just wanted to be enough for you to love. I will no longer question who I am for something your addiction does. I will no longer allow myself to beg for you to love me. I won't ever beg you to give me love again. Your addiction will no longer affect me in this way, ever again. You don't get to take that part of me away. This is my time, this is my turn, this is my life and I am so done letting you effect that for me.

So, I love you. I love you with my entire heart and my entire being. I always will. I realised that I can't save you, and I hope you realize someday that the only person that can save you, is you. Not some girl with a drinking problem, not a fifth of Vodka, not a swish of Bourbon every twenty minutes, and not your daughter This is your fight, this is your battle, and you must overcome that, we can't do it for you. I hope with my entire heart that you can overcome your demons, because I know you can. I hope with my entire heart that you can get through this addiction, because I know it's not who you are. I love you, even if I refuse to let you walk all over me. We are about to take a giant leap into the next step of our lives, and I hope that you'll grab ahold of this future tight and allow yourself to work through this. This world is only what you make it, so make it good.

For everyone struggling with addiction, or anyone that knows someone they love struggles with it, it doesn't have to be this way. Get help.

National Drug Abuse Hotline:

1-888-744-0069