This one is for the second guesser, the back-pedaler, and the unsure one. Because I'm right there with you, buddy.
Most of the time, I would call myself an all in kind of person, until I'm not. And this week has been one of those 'I just can't do it' weeks. I've felt about 0.001% sure of what I'm doing in and with life. I've also realized I'm simply not as unshakeable as I thought I was.
I've always prided myself on being fairly consistent, dependable, and pretty solid- in my faith, in my decisions, in my relationships. But now I am beginning to come to myself, and pieces of me are being challenged, peeled back, and tested for authenticity in the midst of moving and transition and career changes. Honestly, I haven't exactly been passing the tests with flying colors.
Sometimes, I think we can scare ourselves with how fragile we truly are. When we come face to face to the realities of our insecurity, our doubts, or the ugly, lingering thoughts, we begin to really see the cracks, the hurts, and the fragilities of who we are.
It's hard to understand that humans can be so incredibly resilient, and yet so breakable.
This morning I woke up next to my husband, and I could not have been more thankful to have something solid in my life. Despite what time would bring, he would be there. And toward the end of that very same moment, I remembered that my husband could also be taken from me that very day. Tears welled up into my eyes as I considered the grief of the thought.
But as that reality floated through my mind, I realized that even the surest things in our lives, like my husband or my own life, are fleeting. It left me feeling like I needed something to grip onto.
Nothing is promised, nothing is sure, and nothing is solid. Life is malleable, moving, and an ongoing movement that we can't nail down and demand things from, or grip onto with certainty. It's actually kind of unfortunate that it owes us nothing. We have been given breath and life for this moment and the moments before it.
And so as this week has lingered by, full of uncertainty and a lot of second guessing, I've found my doubt and my squandering to somehow end up before the feet of Jesus. Which truthfully, is hard for me to admit right now. I'm not exactly jiving with the whole 'Christian' label right now. I"m struggling a bit. But all the same, I've found Him to be the only person in my life that has been consistently and purely good to me, sweetly close, and perseveringly pursuing me. And I've also realized He doesn't change, despite me not being the star, reporter for duty Christian that I have always strived to be.
It is Jesus who has remained constant in my life, and it is Him who has drawn near to me, even as I struggle and reel around in my own questions. I look back at the evidence in my life and am reminded that He has cared for me in so many personal and intimate ways. No one can take away my relationship with and experience of Him. It is ours, hidden between us, and so sweetly cherished by me.
It is because of His love that I am, and I pray that I can understand more of what His sacrifice on the Cross means, my purpose in relation to that, and love so genuinely and fiercely because of Him. it's ok to be a little shaky. But once you feel your knees buckle, it's time to plant your feet a little firmer and press into what you know to be true, to be lovely, and to be consistent in your life.
Don't be afraid of the questions, or the second-guessing. Use all of the uncertainty to reflect on how He has been upholding you for your whole life. Because He has.
