Losing someone you love very very much is heart breaking. You wish you could go back in time and do anything to take it back. I know I do. I think about what I could have done to save you, to keep you in my family and my life longer. But I don’t know what I could have done, I didn’t even know this was going to happen and change my life forever. I didn’t know God wanted to take you so early in your life. Or why, you were young, you had just had a child. You were going to do bigger things in life. But instead you had to go to Heaven and live a new one.

Four years ago today, I lost best friend. My hero. My role model. My brother.

My life changed immediately. I got that phone call telling me that you were being rushed to the hospital, I didn’t think anything of it. It didn’t even occur to me that you wouldn’t be okay. But then I stepped in the room and heard the doctor say, “There was nothing we could have done, it’s too late.” My whole body went numb, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t hear anything around me. My vision went fuzzy. I stumbled into the hallway and into a corner and dropped down holding onto my body for dear life. I could vaguely hear my sister-in-law screaming. But I held my body even tighter. And that’s when I realized my life had just changed forever.

I have the fear that I will stop remembering who you are. The fear that I won’t remember what you look like. The fear that I will forget what you smell like. The fear that I will never be able to recall the sound of your voice. I am afraid that I will stop remembering what it felt like to be wrapped up in one of you hugs. I go to be thinking about you so that I don’t forget. But then I pause and I do start to forget. I lay there in shock, in tears because you were too young to leave. Too young to leave our lives.

My life changed dramatically. I was lost, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I walked around with a mask, covering the real me. I was too ashamed to let people into my life. Too ashamed of what they would think of me. I have done things I am not happy with. I could have done something but my mind was lost, I felt nothing. I felt no pain. My heart was broken in a million pieces.

The years have passed and my life has been getting better, very slowly but I can see the change.

I do still think about you. There isn’t a moment that I do not stop thinking about you. I get sad, but I talk more about you than I ever have. I don’t cry as I used too. But there are moments I will break down and there are days I can’t even say your name because I know it won’t end well. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and family gatherings are and will always be the hardest because you aren’t here. You are always looking over us but never will be real life with us again.

I miss you everyday Jamie. I wish I could say my last words to you, to give you my last hug, my last brother and sisterly love. I wish I could see you. But I know you are always looking over me and my family and that you will always be my big brother.

I love you.