If there’s anything I’m good at, it’s living life solo amid many sickening couples (sorry, couples). I’ve tagged along as emotional support (or out of pity) on far too many dates in my lifetime, so I like to think I’m a bit of an expert. With Valentine’s Day weekend approaching, here is my foolproof guide to being the best third wheel around.

Disclaimer: It’s not really foolproof.

1. Don’t worry about the destination.

Make sure you three are going somewhere you like, but still keep your opinion about it to yourself. At the end of the day, it isn’t your date, and no matter where you go, you’re still going to wonder why you’re even there in the first place.

2. Don’t talk too much.

You no doubt have many relevant and intelligent comments to add to the conversation. But try not to go overboard. You probably know one half of the couple well already, and the other half didn’t ask you out. So maybe keep your comments for your diary.

3. Don’t dress too nicely.

The spotlight isn’t yours; you’re really only there to make your friend seem great. Tip: Pull something off of the floor instead of off of the hanger for added effect.

4. Don’t cry.

Just because you’re sitting on your side of the booth alone doesn’t mean you need to make a big deal of it. Everyone can see you’re single and possibly miserable, but don’t show it. If you feel the waterfalls coming, head to the bathroom like a normal person.

5. Disregard steps 1 through 4 and don’t go.

Here is the truth: there is no reason you should have to suffer like that. If the couple can’t handle a date on their own, there are larger issues to be addressed. You’re not being a bad friend by saying “no.” Save that time for your own dates… Or for your dog.

At the end of the day, you’re not a puppet. Whether or not you choose to be a third wheel on someone else’s date is your decision, but don’t let third wheeling make you feel bad about yourself. Do what you are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with tagging along, and there is nothing wrong with staying home. And remember, there’s no shame in being single. If anything, your dog will appreciate the extra cuddles when you’re feeling lonely.