Life is the most wonderful and the most frustrating thing you can do. It’s also the longest thing you can do, and no one gets out alive. That being said, life always comes with choices that can sometimes make or break you. Despite what people say, I am a firm believer that no matter what happens, good or bad, it is ALWAYS a part of God’s will. No. Matter. What. Even if you make a bad choice, I confidently believe that God turns that seemingly “bad” choice into the best decision you could ever make.

Just because I believe the God I am serving is super wonderful and awesome, does not mean that I don’t get confused sometimes (all the time) and doubt what He’s saying. I can ask God for 20 signs (that most the time He willingly gives) and I will ignore every single one of them because I don’t want to do what He’s asked me to. Or sometimes the devil creeps in, and I feel like Eve staring at the apple hearing that swanky serpent whispering, “Did God reeeeallllyyyy say….” in my ear. Literally, hate him.

My very least favorite thing to hear when I am trying to make a big decision are those three horrible words: “follow your heart.” Some people might be confused as to why I dislike that statement so much or why I don’t just do what I feel is right. This is something that often causes confusion for the person that is trying to help me, and it’s not their fault they are trying to help a crazy bible thumper. But for starters, my heart is a freaking MESS. It’s kind of like really, really wanting that last piece of cake, but knowing you have already eaten four slices in the past 24 hours. Your heart says, “Yes! Eat the cake! YOLO!” but your head says “Girl, I hope you have some TUMS on hand because ain’t no little glass of Perrier going to fix what you’ve just done.” *

Pushing through my horrible analogy, I can’t just make decisions willy-nilly or do what I want because the life I’m living is not my own. I am living for the glory of the Father, and I am trying to do my best to let my life be a reflection of Him. Sometimes, what I want to do just doesn’t fall in line with what He has in mind and it's okay if some people don't understand that (because odds are you don't fully understand or like what you're doing yourself). Also, sometimes what He has in mind hurts a little. We just can’t see what He sees, and that’s the wonderful thing about God, and that’s what faith is for. It’s that you have to trust Him even when you’re going through things you don’t understand or that make you hurt. I go through heartbreak without knowing why and I hurt people I love, but I still keep going because I trust that God’s plan is bigger than the measly one I could muster up and I hope that He will mend the hearts that I have hurt as I try to decipher what I hear Him softly whispering to me as I stumble through life.

In summary, I am a literal mess 100% of the time no matter how put together I look. That’s why I am so blessed to serve the God I know. He takes such good care of me even when I disobey him. He wrecks my messes before they wreck me and I hope that I am strong enough to truly believe He will bring things together in their own time. The God we are serving is a parent. He’s our almighty Father. Our parents do not let things happen to punish us or intentionally “ruin our lives” (no matter how much we might think so). They let things happen to teach us lessons and ultimately bring us into a closer relationship with them.

So that’s why I can’t just “follow my heart.” Sometimes in times of conflict or insecurity wondering if I made the right decision, my heart hurts, and it’s not strong enough to carry me. But I know someone who is strong enough, and He’s never letting go.

*For those of you who know me know that I don’t eat cake by the slice. I don’t even bother to cut it. Most times I just grab a fork and dive in. And by most times I mean all the time. Sometimes at 12 pm sitting on the ground in front of the fridge. Hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.