Some moments of my life that have stuck with me were of a particular kind, a memory of something said or done that held a certain importance for me. Through reflection, it becomes a piece of wisdom woven into my understanding of myself and my worldview.
One such piece of wisdom was shared with me by a good friend about a year ago. We were doing a team-building exercise with our RA (Resident Assistant) staff team. The task was to tell each other what our “connects” and “disconnects” with each other were, an opportunity to share both encouragement and constructive criticism with each other.
I was unsettled by the exercise, anxiously awaiting the criticism of the others, curious and afraid of what they would tell me. The encouragements lightened the load a bit, but my mind was mainly focused on the “disconnects.”
I couldn’t tell you now what most of the feedback I received was, especially the encouragements, but the "disconnect" of one co-worker stuck with me.
She told me that I seemed to act a lot on fear.
To be honest, I was surprised and confused by that statement. I didn’t understand what she meant.
But little by little, I started to notice it in every aspect of my life. I had overcommitted that semester because I was afraid of missing out on anything. I would wear makeup because I was afraid of people’s opinions if I didn’t. I worked hard for good grades because I was afraid of a future with poor ones. These actions were solely based on negative thoughts about what could happen.
Even during the exercise where my co-worker made that statement, I was completely immersed in negativity. I was so worried about the criticism I was about to receive from my co-workers that I could barely absorb the encouragement that came along with it.
The more I reflected on her statement, the more I saw it. If I traced back my decisions, they were too often inspired by a fear or worry. It could sometimes be as minor as not wanting to get cold outside, but sometimes it could be a lot bigger. More than anything I was being driven by a fear that I just wasn’t good enough, especially for the future or the career I wanted for myself, or to be the person I wanted to be. My own focus on the possibility of my own inferiority as a person prevented me from achieving confidence and happiness.
That was an eye-opening realization. I was living in fear and I hadn’t even known it. I was so focused on unfortunate possibilities that I couldn't even enjoy positive realities. What's more, it was self-inflicted and unnecessary.
That’s not an easy thing to change, but an important one. Needless to say, it doesn’t lead to the healthiest or happiest of lives. It leads to an all-consuming negativity, one that prevents any semblance of happiness.
Whether fear and negativity are driving your decisions or not, it’s important to keep track of what exactly is compelling you. The most important decisions should never be made out of fear.
