So today I watched The Mummy with Brendan Fraser and wow was that movie a trip. The whole plot is Brendan Frazier beats up every man woman and child in sight until some loser summons a mummy for Brendan Fraser to beat up. The movie ends shortly after Brendan Fraser beats the mummy so hard that ghosts from the underworld take his spirit away and make him mortal. This time he dies for good until the Mummy Returns where Dwayne The Rock Johnson, AKA the only man who can beat up Brendan Fraser, shows up. It was a dumb movie that my girlfriend and I watched but it certainly taught me a lot. Here are five things I learned from watching The Mummy.

1: I will be single very soon

Upon finding out that Dwayne The Rock Johnson was in the Mummy series my girlfriend announced that she would be leaving me to pursue The Rock.I can't say I'm surprised by the news and I hope she does well with him. As sad as I am, I'm excited for the chance to maybe meet The Rock. I also might get to say that I dated someone The Rock married which will be a cool story when I'm alone at a bar someday

2: All Americans are from the south

There were a couple Americans in The Mummy and each one of them was a gun-toting cowboy who spoke almost exclusively in racial slurs. The second these men learned about treasure they rushed over with theirs pans to begin sifting for gold. Every single one of them died at the hands of the mummy leaving them the only people Brendan Fraser didn't beat up.

3: You shouldn't stack all your library shelves like dominoes

10 minutes into this movie the female lead (name forgotten because she wasn't Brendan Fraser) knocked over a bookshelf in the library she was working in. This one caused a chain reaction that knocked over every single shelf in the place. I cannot tell you why the owner of the library placed every bookshelf in a circular formation with each one slightly rotated instead of in two rows like any sane person but they did. Right after the shelves fell down the female lead (not Brendan Fraser) was told to clean them up and SOMEHOW managed to pick up every shelf and reorganize them within three hours of this event.

4: There is a book of death and a book of Super death

So in the movie there is the book of death which brings the mummy back to life and then there's the book that kills him. The book of death just appears to bring things back to life (except this power is totally useless because the mummy can just do this anyway) but the book of super death is where it gets interesting. The book of super death can control the undead and summon any ghost you want from the underworld to mess things up. Personally I think the book of death is cooler because I could use it to revive Brendan Fraser ‘a AND Nicholas Cage’s careers. I'm hoping they'll make a buddy cop movie where they steal the Declaration of Independence using mummies. Also in that movie The Rock is president. Tell me you wouldn't see that.

5: Scarabs eat flesh

This one isn't a joke it's just a really cool fact I learned during the movie. They are also the only thing Brendan Fraser can't beat up so if you're worried he’s going to come busting into your home fists blazing you might want to invest in scarab armor.