Without fail, concerned and well-meaning friends will ask you each of these questions and each will manage to add insult to injury.

Whenever you leave the house, there's a certain percent chance that your phone isn't coming back with you. For every shot you take, that percentage doubles. College students tend to lose a lot of phones, is what I'm saying. When this happens, everyone will ask the same questions in a misguided attempt to help. Last weekend, my phone was tragically lost during a visit to Chicago. This article is written in loving memory of that phone. R.I.P.

1. "Where did you lose it?" Oh, I think I just left it under my bed. Come to think of it, I bet if I looked there it might still be-- oh wait, by definition I don't know where it is because it's LOST. The word 'lost' exists to signify that  the location of something is unknown.

2. "Are you getting a new one?" Nah, I think this is a sign I should just not have phones anymore. We had a good run, me and phones, but I think I'm just gonna be off the grid from now on. It was nice having friends while it lasted.

3. "Isn't it kind of liberating though?" No. Not really. That was kind of my connection to the outside world. At any given moment, my house could be burning down, someone might have tagged me in an embarrassing picture and I won't know. It's liberating in the same way that all ignorance is liberating I guess.

4. "Why are you just standing there?" Remember that thing people used to do back in 2009 before Nicola Tesla invented the smartphone? I think it was called 'waiting' or something. Arcade Fire wrote a song about how we used to do that. (That's my new thing. One obscure reference per article. Tune in next week to hear me make a joke that involves the show Gilmore Girls.) Have you ever wondered why bathroom stalls always have graffiti on them? It's because those people didn't have phones either. I don't even know what to do on the toilet anymore. Besides pooping, I mean. 

5. "What time is it?" I hate you. 

Photo courtesy of veryhilarious.com.