This morning, I was somewhere you typically wouldn’t find me (as you may know from my previous article on the subject): seated beside two old ladies with their hands raised and their eyes closed inside a large worship center. This morning, I went to Free Chapel (Please, nobody tell my very Catholic grandmother). I went because Saturday night the thought came to mind mind that maybe I would feel better if I tried it out. I knew I would try it out eventually; I was just waiting for the right week. That week was this week, apparently, so I set my alarm, gave up one of my very few mornings of sleeping in, and went to church. I wanted to be open-minded going into the service, so I tried to not to contradict in my head everything the pastor was saying and just listen. I listened to worship music on the way there, I took notes on my phone of what the pastor was saying, and I tried to follow along with the songs they played. I walked into this huge building and before I entered the worship space, I could already hear the booming praise songs. I saw things I’d never seen inside a church before; it was complete with a store and a little restaurant/bistro. It was definitely a new experience. I’m sitting here now at my desk, right after coming back to campus, and I want to write about my experience today and what effect it had on my struggles with God.

I love a good gospel song, and I love Catholic hymns. I think hymns are one of the most beautiful genres of music, when done well. I love to sing them in the car and hum them on my way to class or cleaning my room. I don’t know how I can love them so much while at the same time being unsure about God. To me, they’re just so beautiful and relaxing that I can’t help but listen to them. They’re uplifting, which I guess is why I can listen to them and still have doubts. They’re made to sound beautiful and make people want to listen to them, to make people feel like God is speaking to them through the music. They’re designed to do that.

The mindset of mistrust I have is a lot of the reason that I don’t trust many pastors or churches, especially places like Free Chapel. The pastors are very good speakers, and their good speaking alone can convince most anyone of anything. There are ways of speaking and writing designed to make people feel a certain way, and that’s why I don’t normally gravitate towards huge churches with lively pastors. But, at the same time, if you can sift through the rhetoric and powerful speaking, and you just look at the information being given, it’s something different. As I sat listening to the pastor speaking about how to “align” yourself with the Kingdom of God, I took notes. I wrote down the Bible verses he referenced and what he was trying to tell us with them. One thing I do like about these kinds of churches is that they project whatever Bible verse they’re speaking about onto the projector so everyone can see and read it. For those like me who don’t carry a Bible, it’s very helpful. It also gave me a chance to see for myself what the Bible said, instead of having me believe whatever the pastor told me. And while they give you the information point blank, the pastor gives it to you with all his heart. That’s one thing I do like about these larger churches, for the most part; they may be loud and a little intimidating sometimes, but they’re passionate. They lift their arms up, they close their eyes, and they profess what they believe in their hearts to be true. They say “Amen” and “Praise be to God” in the middle of the sermon and they sing every song with all their spirit. These people believe in something.They feel it so passionately they’re willing to let other people see them in vulnerability in order to try to get closer to their God. Though most of the time all of this intimidates me, I can’t say it doesn’t inspire me. Oh, to be so uplifted by something you absolutely do not care about whatever is going on around you. It’s you and your spirit, and nothing else.

I don’t want to elaborate on every thought and feeling I had during the service, but I did want to touch on a one thing. The pastor spoke about how disappointed he is when people don’t go to church, and that community and gathering to worship God will bring us so much closer to Heaven than if we were to stay at home and read the Bible alone. I kindly disagree. I don’t think church is a bad thing, and I definitely think there’s something beautiful that comes when you’re part of a close community of people, but I also think there’s nothing wrong with practicing home church. Your relationship with God is yours alone. What you do with Him at church is nothing if you don’t back it up at home. The Bible is the only concrete thing you need to foster a relationship with God, and only you can feel it in your own heart. Other people can’t do it for you. When it’s just you, the Bible, and God, you bypass the frills; the loud music, the on-site church coffee shop, the “Church” selfie you get to post on Sunday mornings with a Bible verse to show people how good of a Christian you are. You leave out all those things, and it’s just you and God. To me, that’s the foundation of any good and true relationship with God. You do most of it behind closed doors and you show it on Sundays to celebrate how you grew this week or how He helped you this week. That’s the kind of Christian I admire. If and when I ever get back to a place of solid faith, that’s the Christian I want to be.

All in all, it was a good morning. I felt uncomfortable at times, but for the most part, I was happy and willing to be there. The pastor said some things I didn’t agree with, but also some things that I very much did agree with. At this point, I can’t say exactly where I am on the scale between “Lover of All That is Evil” and “Nun” (please don’t freak out, I’m nowhere near Lover of All That is Evil). All I know is what I felt today, and it felt alright. I’m definitely not ready to shout from the rooftops how amazing God is and how “saved” I am, but taking baby steps might get me to where I want to be as far as the whole church thing goes. In the meantime, I have to take it upon myself to stay open-minded and try to do good things, as we all should, atheist or Christian.