In high school, I was the kind of student who always had to keep myself busy. I almost never had a moment to myself, and that was the way I liked it. I seemed to thrive off of stress and constantly involving myself in extracurriculars and challenging class work. In fact, part of the reason I chose to attend Emerson College was because the student body was known for being passionately over involved. However, once I got here I found myself in the position where I was utterly uninvolved. Emerson has a highly competitive atmosphere and almost every organization I wanted to be a part of had the power to reject me. So, while I found myself not being cast in any productions or getting into clubs like an acapella group or literary magazine, it ended up being somewhat of a blessing in disguise.
At first, I felt incredibly discouraged, confused, and lost. I honestly wasn't sure what to do with myself. So I decided to move on with my life and put my focus on adjusting to the college life, making friends, and doing quality school work. It seemed like the perfect idea, all three were important and would take up a lot of my time. However, these ended up being quite challenging to achieve as well. I suffer from social anxiety, so making friends in a place lacking any familiarity whatsoever was extremely difficult.
Luckily, I was placed into an amazing living situation with the best roommate I ever could have asked for. If it wasn't for the people I live with, I probably wouldn't have any friends if I'm being completely honest. I had forgotten what it was like to make new friends on my own because I hadn't needed to before. While I love my friends, I was beginning to feel anxious because I was the only person in my suite who didn't have friends of their own. I didn't want to be that roommate who relied on everyone around her and I realized that I was beginning to become that person. I wasn't sure what to do and I felt conflicted with myself.
My last year of high school, I had taken pride in the fact that I had finally become a more social, happy person. But once I got to college, all of my hard work had been flushed down the toilet. My mental state had gone back to the way it was sophomore year, and trust me, it was not good. I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into this emotional downward spiral and I felt like I wasn't living the "college experience" like I was supposed to. I wasn't spending my weekends staying out late with friends and exploring the city, I was spending them alone with a carton of Goldfish crackers and Netflix. This wasn't the college life I had initially planned on.
My disappointment with myself consumed all of my thoughts and actions. I began finding it difficult to focus on anything and every assignment took twice as long as it should have. While I was completing every assignment and genuinely trying to put as much effort in it as possible, I still found myself being disappointed in almost everything I handed in. I didn't want to admit to anyone that I was struggling because not only I had been a great student in high school, but everyone around me seemed to be breezing through their classes with straight A's. I couldn't help but feel like I was doing something wrong or that I was a bad student. Now, as I have just completed my first semester I have come to a realization.
College is meant for so much more than just the things you learn in the classroom. Of course, classes and the information you retain are incredibly important, but the grade you receive in the end means nothing. What ends up mattering the most is how prepared you become for the rest of your life. College is a massive change that is nearly impossible to prepare for, there is no way of knowing what it will be like for you.
The first semester isn't meant to be fun and easy, it's meant to prepare us for the next four years of our lives. This semester is different for everyone, and while mine was a difficult one, I think it ended up being good for me. In the end, I realized that I just needed a little more time to adjust than other people. I needed to figure out my life here in more gradual increments and ease my way into the full blown college lifestyle. As I head out for winter break, I leave knowing that I'll be okay. I leave with new friends that I made all on my own. I leave knowing that even though I might not have done as well in my classes as I'd have hoped, that doesn't make me stupid and I can still be successful. But most importantly, I leave knowing more than I did before.
So here's to all of the people like me. Here's to the people who couldn't find their place right away. Here's to the people who didn't go out every weekend but might have wanted to. Here's to the people who didn't get that 4.0 average. Here's to you. You are important regardless of your first semester experience. Always remember that every moment is a learning experience, and every lesson learned is a moment lived.
