Before I get ahead of myself, I know I have only been here one month. I know a month isn't a long time but the feeling of not being "home" while in America was an unsettling feeling I had had for many years, which was why I wanted to join The Peace Corps originally.
Now that I am here and have been for a month, I can't say that America is where I want to be. I started my second TEFL course at the beginning of August and on the first day, my teacher said a few things that have stuck with me. He talked about how his decision to move to Thailand, from England, was the best decision he has made. He mentioned that he went home for the first time in 4 years, years ago, and hung around a group of his friends who all talked about the same things they have been talking about for 10 years. He mentioned that unlike England, and even America, those in Thailand are only concerned about now. They don't concern themselves with what happened yesterday or what could possibly happen tomorrow. So, when he heard his friends worrying and talking about something that had already happened he had a sense of disgust.
That is how I feel when I think about America and the life I live there. I am such a worrier. I worry about everything but the things I can control and things that are happening now. Even here, I find myself still worrying about things that are out of my control and now, have no part in my life. So when he said the things he said, I remember how I am still living a part of the life I was living back home. Talking to people about things that have already happened and are all out of my control. Talking to people about the same thing I was talking about before I left. And I should give myself more credit since it has only been a month, but then again, it has been a month.
In this month, I have come to realize how obsessed people are with being concerned about things that aren't their business or by being offended back home. In Thailand, and even those from different countries in my TEFL course, there is such a free spirit feeling from everyone and a huge sense of appreciation for all things in life. I don't know exactly what I want out of life but those are two things I hope to find in my daily life while being here. Despite anything big or small that I have also learned while being here, this is something that I will carry with me. To know how it feels to be surrounded by people who only worry about now, who don't concern themselves with small talk, or stuff out of their control are things that will inevitably shape me. And sometimes, I think that for such a worrier like myself that my reason for being here is just simply to be here. To be present and to be unafraid of the unknown.