I remember our first kiss. After months of stressing over whether we'd ever make it or not, we finally did and we were finally an official couple. I hadn't seen you since the day we left our beloved campus, and you lived in a town 50 minutes away from mine. Your town was very similar to mine. We also grew up with similar childhoods. We also had very similar beliefs, we just disagreed on some of the big things, the things that mattered.
Our first kiss was great. This was the first time we'd seen each other all summer. The first time we saw each other as a couple. I was nervous but excited to see you. You still give me butterflies to this day.
We were in the park I used to play in as a child, across the street from my house. We were leaning on the monkey bars when I just went for it. Because that was the kind of girl I was, I knew what I wanted and I went for it. After I let go if you, you grabbed my face. You grabbed my face and kissed me. I have never had a guy kiss me so passionately. Back when we believed that we'd be each other's first last kiss, I told you I wanted our first kiss to be special. I wanted it to be special because I thought it'd be the last time I'd got through the excitement of a first kiss. It was special.
I also remember our last kiss. Hours before this I was mad at you and all we did was fight these days. I went to sleep angry at you, something we promised each other never to do. I went to bed mad, but your alarm woke me up at 5 A.M. Looking and you all sleepy and innocent I saw the guy I feel in love with. Suddenly I was no longer mad at you, because who was I kidding, I could never stay mad at you. Just looking at you I thought to myself, I can't believe this wonderful guy is all mine. I kissed you as you ran off to actively chase the dreams your dream that I thought were wild. But since you were passionate about it, so was I. I had not the slightest clue that would be our last kiss.I thought last kisses never existed for us.
Now I stand here alone constantly conflicted. Half of me has moved on and the other half still has a heart for you. I made the decision not to want to hold on because that's the first step to letting go, yet these feelings still linger in the back of my heart. I made the decision that you weren't the kind of guy I wanted to be with or hold onto because you could never take care of me. You were also the source of a lot of my pain. I know there is so many others out there. Others that would be ranked higher than you, no matter how many time I reassure myself with that my heart still strangely longs for you.
Everyone tells me to let it go, the best is yet to come. Strangely for once I don't believe them, I can't see it getting any better. I still delusionally believe that what we had was the best it could get. We had out struggles and flaws, but the feeling was there. Maybe that's why the hopeless romantic, gave up on her fairytale ideas of love. That one day somebody would come in here life and love her flaws and all. The love she had in her heart is now a well gone dry.
I hope they're right and one day someone one will come into my life and change my mind on it all. But for now, I hold onto the innocent moments when I still belived in love.
