Spending so much time from my family was not normal to me, and I was excited about it. I was finally gaining independence, something I wanted for a while. Honestly, it was the only thing getting me through high school. The idea of being an adult was my pick-me-up during senior year.
I only wish someone would have warned me of what I would be giving up. My idea of "independence" was in the way of letting me think rationally. I felt like I was on top the world there, and obviously I was not. I was a mess, but I so desperately wanted to prove to others that I was not like other people back at home; that thought process became a problem for me. Thinking back to it, I was probably homesick by the time my flight landed. I was alone in a strange place, and that was ignored because when you're young you tend to think that nothing can hurt you. Well, let me just clarify, things can hurt you even if you don't want them to.
Finally after what seemed like years, I was going home for the first time since I said goodbye to my mom at the airport. In all actuality it was only about four months, but to me it felt like an eternity. Although, this eternity would be something that would change me. I left for college with all the enthusiasm I could manage. My return was a bit different. I came back at my worst. The enthusiasm I had to succeed was slowly ripped away, and my determination disappeared along with it.
Was it my college's fault? Oh no, not at all. It was my fault. I destroyed myself.
My first opportunity at freedom was not treated with the optimism I had wanted to provide. All the bad things that happened to me in the last four months, I let those strip me of things that made me, me. I came back a sack of potatoes, and not because that's really all I ate.
Letting certain situations strip me turned me into the girl that I got rid of a while ago. I let myself fall back into my depression, and my OCD tendencies skyrocketed. I left home determined to do anything, but returned with an attitude of wanting to just stay in bed all day and sleep. I understand some of the mistakes I made, but I don't understand others.
I'm now returning to college for the remainder of the semester with a new attitude. It's as if going home has rejuvenated me. I am now returning with newfound strength that was lacking during my first departure. I'm sure this time around, I'll succeed.
