Sipping on my coffee and not yet willing to put my big boy pants on, I started thinking about stuff to which I'm not looking forward as fall semester commences.

Fall semester begins today. Today being the sixth of September. Looking at the clock, it's a few minutes shy of 11:00 a.m., approximately three and a half hours before I need to be in class.

Hating the prospect of wearing pants, there are things concerning the first day of class that I hate even more than slipping into those fabric leg prisons. Some things are more loathsome than others, and that's what I'm here to tell you about. Stuff that really grinds my gears about day one of the fall semester.

1. The Bible guys

Proselytizing is all well and good, but do it from the damn mountaintops or, at least, not immediately outside of Pray-Harrold and other major buildings on our beautiful, verdant campus. Seriously, if the mass numbers of Gideon’s bibles you didn’t slang my way didn’t immediately get orgainzed into the nearest trash/recycling receptacle, I’d have built a mansion with a solid foundation comprised of those compact wastes of paper. So excuse me while I avert my eyes (none too conspicuously) in any and every direction that isn’t your direction. Let's just assume I'm a predestined apostate. It's easier that way.

Worth mentioning are the Hare Krishnas. Typically springing up around campus later in the semester, the Hare Krishnas are infinitely more tolerable. Still guilty of targeting people in an almost unavoidable manner. I was legitimately interested in hearing them out. Then they solicited money for what I thought was a handout. Not to be an asshole, but at least the bible thumpers gave the goods away for free.

2. Commuting from Jackson

Driving through Jackson and Ypsilanti is nothing. Driving along Interstate 94 has the same impact on my emotional well being that a dementor does in the world of Harry Potter. This man-made hell is only survivable now that I've discovered the distracting power of audiobooks. For reasons of brevity, the less said about I 94, the better. My blood pressure is climbing just thinking about it.

3. The bloated parking lot

Every time my horseless carriage and I pull into Eagle territory, I ironically adopt the predatory instincts of an eagle. Swooping this way and that, my talons fiercely cut into the steering wheel as I dodge my opponents (other cars) and seek out a parking spot. After all, I pay $150 (per semester) for the convenience and privilege of parking in nearer lots than what I'd get for free. Eventually, I angrily settle in and shift from drive into park, turn off my car, and get out. All the while cursing other commuters at their audacity for making my morning commute all that much worse.

Eastern Michigan University’s parking situation is absolutely rotten on the best of days, but on the first day of class it’s beyond rotten. It’s abysmal. It evokes just about everything wrong with my personality. I don’t care that this is largely a “commuter school.” I give zero f*cks that others are just as perturbed by the god-awful parking. I have no sympathy for you or your need to be punctual. I just want to get to my class without having to arrive an hour early (or earlier). The drive along I-94 is bad enough without dealing with all the drama and misery.

4. In-class icebreakers

According to friends, I’m annoyingly extroverted, a notion I won’t argue. That said, even I hate, loathe, and abhor first-day classroom introductions. How many unique facts can I possibly share about myself that people will even remember or even care about outside those few seconds? I suppose there is a benefit in binding us together through shared hatred of feigned interest in one another. It’s likely the professor uses this as an opportunity to get to know and profile us in some way, but these factoid-sharing opportunities are tropes that few students enjoy. They need to stop.

Thirty-seven years old and far from a traditional student, I have quite a list of curmudgeonly complaints that focus on my college experience. Some are uglier or funnier than others. Some are even more unique to EMU, but not all.

Of those I tossed in the air, which resonate with you? Have any first-day complaints you'd add to a similar list?