"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Psalm 139:13-14
It is so easy to forget how wonderfully you're created when you are defining your self-worth through a man. Like many young girls, my priority growing up was to have a love like a Nicholas Sparks movie. I believed you would find that one person and it would naturally happen. You would be sitting on a park bench and then boom they would love you forever. Sadly, I realized too quickly that love doesn't always happen that way and eventually I found myself seeking my worth through the words of men. My life was built around how much time was devoted to me or if I got that daily "good morning beautiful" text.
For awhile I would convince myself that I was truly happy with the place I was at and the joy I was getting from men, but deep down I was still so broken. I had a dependency on men that I didn't even realize I was struggling with most days, as long as I had someone telling me how wonderful I was, then I was convinced my life was put together. I found myself conforming to what they wanted me to be and following their every need, until I became almost like a robot version of me. Just like every other worldly desire, that person would soon fade and disappoint me. I would feel like the whole world was falling apart because they were my person and without them, I felt like I was truly worthless. I was never worthless though, I had a heavenly father who had always seen the pure beauty in me and was waiting for it to just flourish even more when I truly trusted in him. I soon realized how much I found myself struggling to find happiness when I did not feel loved by another man and this definitely did not happen overnight. FIVE YEARS of pulverized hearts to be exact, but it eventually clicked that I was trying to fill this God-sized hole in my heart that could only be repleted by him.
When you find yourself in this grave of loneliness and questioning life, you soon realize that the only answer is giving every ounce of doubt over to God. I will admit that it is still a daily struggle that I am constantly working on, especially considering we live in a world that can be so degrading to women. Yet God still makes me feel beautiful no matter what my pant size is. Every day that I may be questioning my self-worth, God gives me this overwhelming self-confidence because I know He loves me and that is the only love I need. He will never forsake me when I get overwhelmed with school or let me down when I need that boost of confidence to make it through the day. In the past I would desperately be seeking a text from a man, but now my phone can sit around for days without a single message because I am no longer searching for that unfulfilling love. Honestly, I have felt more beautiful and worthy in the past six months of finding my identity in God, than I have in my whole entire life. When you have that breaking point and realize you are not the ruler of your life, but God is, He will bless you in more ways than you could ever expect. He never makes you feel like you have to wear ten pounds of makeup to feel beautiful or wear tight clothing to get attention. He does not want you to conform to the demands of the world but pave your own path to your sense of beauty.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2
Do not ever forget you are NOT ALONE when you are striving to find your happiness in God. He brings those people in your life who make you feel beautiful, even when you're running on four hours of sleep and had barely enough time to brush your teeth because they see your inner beauty overpowering it all. He will bring you that support system that will say the words that God has been trying to speak to you. Most importantly when you are struggling with worth, God will help you love yourself. I soon recognized that a relationship will never work with someone unless you love yourself first. That means every flaw that you believe you pose, you will learn to love and realize that those flaws are what make you unique. Just like God made me comprehend that my huge heart for people was created, so I could have a love like no other. Sometimes, I will admit people take advantage of it, but God still reminds me through his grace that he made my qualities for the specific reason to bring more people to know his love. Someday soon I hope you realize how loved you are and no matter how far you are from God, he still sees your inner beauty shining through. He will pick up all the broken pieces the world has given you and make you feel worthy through the most difficult situations.
Your self-worth should not be defined around how many "good morning beautiful" texts you get, but by the way you are living every day for Christ.
