One Day I'll Find Someone Who Appreciates Every Single Part Of Me

One Day I'll Find Someone Who Appreciates Every Single Part Of Me

A story of sexual assault blinded by love & lust

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October 6th, 2018, I was sexually assaulted. I'm quickly realizing there's no euphemism for that. I almost feel unqualified using it because it sounds so harsh. In fact, I never thought of it like that until I hit rock bottom.

It began in August of this summer when I took the trip of a lifetime to Marseille. For reference, Marseille is the second largest city in France, right after Paris.

Notre-Dame de la Garde, MarseilleIzzy Angeli

I wasn't wearing makeup that day (as a former Ulta employee, this was big), and I decided I would smile at a cute boy; I wanted to improve my flirting skills before heading to college in the fall.

While visiting the Notre-Dame de la Garde, I saw a boy who was precisely my type— we'll call him John. He was the epitome of tall-dark-and-handsome. To my surprise, he reciprocated my smile with, "hello."

After losing contact for a few days, I found him on WhatsApp. I learned that he was in the army, four years older than me (oops), and lives in Stockholm. Wow. Long story short, he ditched his friends in France and interrailed to Italy, just to see me (since I was on a cruise, jumping from place to place). That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.

It never occurred to me that he just wanted sex. Why would he waste time getting to know me so well? He also stated that he was a feminist before I even brought it up. Could it be more perfect? We had our first date in a quaint Italian restaurant and stayed there until it closed.

"Izzy this kind of thing would only happen to you" my friend Grace teased.

Somehow, we continued talking for two more months and he booked a flight to Washington, D.C. Suddenly, everything became more real. Before I knew it, the long weekend I had been looking forward to finally arrived. I couldn't wait to jump into his arms and live out our star-crossed lover fantasy that was too good to be true in the first place.

From the minute he stepped off the plane, this was not the same John I had fallen in love with. For the first time ever, it was awkward between us. Because I was so head over heels for him, I let him do whatever he wanted. I paid for all of his meals, and the Airbnb we stayed in. I dug into my savings for that, which my father has been investing in since the day I was born. In total, he cost me about $1,000.

I never heard "thank you," and he would yell at me for "looking at him for too long." When I would ask questions to engage him, he would respond with "don't know, don't care."

One night, I took him out to a club with my friends. He flirted with the bartender and other girls there and proceeded to tell me about it. When I tapped him on the shoulder, he turned around with his hand raised, as if he was about to hit me, and yelled "what!"

He got me too drunk. He was watching how much I drank the whole night, knowing I was a lightweight. I don't remember how, but we ended up at the Airbnb and he sexually assaulted me.

I was aware enough to know what was going on, but I was drunk enough to let him. If I was not inebriated, I don't think events would've transpired the way that they did. Regardless, he didn't ask for consent and I wouldn't have been able to give it because I was drunk and he was sober.

I woke up the next morning in pain, physically and emotionally. As soon as he left, he blocked me on every social media platform.

I didn't use the word abuse for the longest time. When you fall so hard for someone, they can do no wrong in your eyes. One thing I know for sure is that these events are not a reflection of me. Sure, I can be too trusting of people, but that is a good quality and something I don't need to change.

Grace forced me to take my journal (which is a habit I highly recommend) and read the entries I made when I first met John. Then she instructed me to cross out his name, but keep the rest of the details to remind myself how I felt when we first met.

All of those wonderful compliments he gave me were true, before and after I met him. I didn't need him to tell me in order for it to be true. Now I know that the next person I'm with needs to make me feel that good, and not ruin it all by taking advantage of my body.

"You strike me as an optimist...that's a good thing. I like a woman with a brain," he said. One day, I'm going to find the John who appreciates every piece of me. And if not, I'll be perfectly fine, in solidarity, with me and my beautiful brain.

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32 Reasons Why I Love My Best Friend

The list stops at 32, but I could go on forever.
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My best friend is my soul mate, and I am so lucky that this crazy world brought us together.

1. She has and always will put up with my ridiculousness.

2. She has seen me cry, and I have seen her cry, and we are both ugly criers.

3. We can sit in silence for 20 minutes, and it’s not weird.

4. But most of the time we cannot shut up.

5. This includes three-hour phone and Skype calls about anything and everything.

6. I know what she’s going to say before she says it.

7. Eye contact is all that is needed to communicate sometimes. This definitely comes in handy when we have an opinion that shouldn’t be verbalized.

8. Even when she laughs at me, I still feel loved.

9. We find the dumbest things funny.

10. We have reoccurring jokes that normal people just find odd.

11. She accepts every part of me including my flaws.

12. She talks me through hard situations without fail.

13. She tells me when I’m being unreasonable, and I don’t get mad.

14. She listens to me whine about the same guy and still hasn’t given up on me.

15. But gets more excited than anyone when a guy treats me right.

16. But you have both agreed that life would be easier if we could just marry each other.

17. What’s mine is hers, and what’s hers is mine.

18. This includes, but is not limited to clothes AND food (and that is a big deal for me).

19. She knows exactly how to cheer me up. Most of the time cupcakes do the trick but if they don't, somehow she make me feel better with insides jokes or just plain silence.

20. She has seen me at my worst and still loves me.

21. She will see movies meant for 8-year-olds with me and we will, no doubt, laugh the loudest.

22. She will watch"The Bachelor" with me and will secretly love it. Don’t worry ... No judgment from this side.

23. She will teach me the art of taking a good picture.

24. She gets me out of my comfort zone and makes me do things that I am iffy about at first.

25. But hanging out in our pajamas and talking all-night isn’t abnormal either.

26. Being apart for a long time is no biggie because when we are reunited it’s like nothing had separated us!

27. We plan on traveling the world together.

28. We plan on being roommates in the future.

29. I love her family and she loves mine.

30. We fight like sisters and then we apologize and get over it.

31. We talk about the craziness we will participate in together when we are 80.

32. I can’t imagine my life without her.

Cover Image Credit: brokenbutfree.org

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To The Girl In An Abusive Relationship, This Is What I Want You To Know From A Fellow Survivor

There is life after abuse

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I got out. I was one of the lucky ones who got it. If there is nothing else that you get from this, understand that not everyone gets out. Forty to Seventy percent of female murder victims were killed by someone they were in an intimate relationship with. That number is staggering. I got out because if I went back even once, there was a chance I could become a statistic.

It wasn't easy to get out. It is hard work and sometimes it can feel like it is easier to stay with the abuser than fight. I didn't leave because I couldn't handle the abuse. I had been living with verbal and escalating physical abuse for years. It was when I saw that my children were in danger that I left.

When people ask why they stay they don't understand. The abuse didn't start out right away. It was slow. It built up over time. It was a process of wearing me down that caused me to question myself. His statements about me made me think I was deserving of the names he was calling me. I wasn't good enough.

You are good enough. If your partner tells you that they are better than you, they are smarter than you, and you got a good deal, it is not true. Getting into a bad relationship does not mean you aren't smart. It means that you had faith in a person and they failed you. The failure is not on you. Their actions are not a reflection of who you are.

I was scared to leave because I did not want people to see that failure in my life. I was convinced that I could make it work. The truth is you cannot live with an abuser and get them help. They need to seek after the help on their own. They need time to get their life straight. If they tell you after two weeks that they are changed and turned their life around, don't fall for it. It is impossible to see a change in two weeks. If they have really changed, give it a year and see what happens. It may seem like a long time, but divorce takes just as long, if not longer.

I wanted to work things out, but I didn't want to be treated that way anymore. I had lunch with my ex and his family just a week after I left. His step-mom told me that was just the way their culture is. Culture is not an excuse. If I wanted to go back, this conversation only cemented my resolve. I reported it to the police and I begged him to get help. He didn't change. He said he would but he didn't. In fact, over the years it has only gotten worse. He had the opportunity to show he changed. He had the chance to be a father and failed.

To those in an abusive relationship, it doesn't matter what you have done, it is not your fault. You are worth more. You are precious and loved. No matter what they say, you are loveable. You can find worth and purpose outside of the relationship. Their goal is to get you to stay.

Find a friend, get someone who will stand with you. Don't jump from one man to another to get out. Get out because you are worth it. Get out for your safety. Get out for your life. It will be hard, but it will be the best thing you have ever done.

Help is Here!

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