I want to be happy. Like really, really, really happy. For years, I've struggled with being happy. I've often ignored it, it shouldn't always be about me, right? I've tried to copy other people who appear happy. They must be doing something right. Right? At age 19, I have yet to figure out what makes me feel content. But, I think I'm starting to figure it out.

“Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you.”

-Ralph Marston

For years, I wasn't trying to find the happiness inside myself. I was searching up and down and around the corner for someone or something that would make me feel on top of the world. I dreamt of a guy who would come around and treat me like a princess, and to me that was happiness. I thought having the best clothes and shoes would make me look good, and in return make me feel good. Or, putting others before myself. I'd sacrifice my own feelings to make sure someone else felt happy. I believed that other's happiness would spill over onto me. But, it never did.

So, while I thought I was doing (or dreaming of ) things that made me happy, I realized I was simply just digging a hole of depression around me, and it kept getting deeper as the years went by. No matter how much I thought that the man of my dreams would run into me at Publix one day, how much money I spent on clothes or shoes, or how hard I made sure my family and friends were satisfied, nothing made me happy. I was sad nearly every day of my life. I stopped wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I stopped wanting to do anything. Or be anything.

And one day, I cracked.

I realized that Tom Hardy was definitely not going to come in on a white horse and sweep me off my feet. Buying so many clothes and shoes was only wasting my money that I could be saving. And I realized that putting my feelings out of sight and out of mind for the sake of others was not healthy. No, my happiness mattered, and I was determined to finally find it. I was determined to finally be happy.

First, I started off small. And by small, I mean myself. I was alive and breathing- so I had to be happy about that- and I'm generally in good health. When I ran out of things to be appreciated on myself, I expanded. My family was together and whole (which is something not a lot of people can say). I have a roof over my head, a brand new car to drive, and most importantly, four dogs who love me unconditionally and think I'm the greatest girl in the whole wide world.

I go to a great college and I have amazing friends, who I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm involved on campus, and I am accepted for who I am by all who know me.

So, with all these things I have going on for me in life, how could I not be happy? And that's when it really clicked for me.

I didn't need to find my happiness in another person, especially not a guy. While compliments and chivalry are nice, they're not the key to happiness (not to mention the guys I've dealt with have made me feel the opposite of happy). Instead of relying on someone to give you your happiness, it's your job to find it within you yourself.

And while clothes and shoes make a girl's world go round, it doesn't provide you with lifelong happiness (unless you're extremely materialistic). An outfit may give you a boost of confidence, but being happy is all on you.

But most importantly, my feelings should never be put on the back burner. My happiness matters just like everyone else. Never should you have to compromise your joy for others, no matter who they are.

My journey to find my ultimate happiness has only just begun, but I've slowly but surely realized what it takes to understand it.

“Appreciate life even when it's not perfect. Happiness is not fulfillment of what we wish for, but an appreciation of what we have.”