The opening episode of Joelle's season of "The Bachelorette" was Monday, May 23rd. With this season opening comes a whole new troupe of love-seekers, complete with weird quirks and downright awful pick-up lines. The first episode is the best episode. Without further ado, here is my play-by-play of the season 12 opening of "The Bachelorette."
*Drum roll please*
1. How many times can she say "love" in her opening package?
2. Does she do her own hair? And pick her own clothes?
3. Aww, look at the former bachelorettes helping the current one! Are we surprised? I'm not surprised.
4. "If you're feeling it, feel it." Great. Thanks for that advice.
5. Let's fast forward this banter and bring on the men, please.
6. Hello Grant. Welcome aboard, firefighter. "I hope Jojo is the one who lights my fire."
7. Jordan. So, football guy, huh? Nice legs. "I'm ready to make love...a priority."
8. Alex. Motorcycle. Marine corps. "I want to be able to walk away and say, I can see myself falling in love with her."
9. Jay. Secret bachelor fan. Makes brackets about the show? Oye. Welcome, you crazy you. "Aw, Mom! She blew it!"
10. Evan. Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. (I giggled.) "It's a hard business. And it's draining."
11. Ali. Plays the piano and has a bichon and surfs. (Take notes, gentlemen.) "She's like the girl of my dreams."
12. Christian. He works out. Does techy, geeky stuff. He went right into talking about family stuff, what a sweetheart!
13. Luke, from Texas. He's wearing cowboy boots. Let's go. And he's a veteran. You work that leaning on the barn pose. Work it.
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
14. There she is. What a stunner. The music is beautiful too, so that helps. "I'm ready."
15. Jordan goes first! "He's hot!"
16. Hi Derek. Coming in clutch with a sweet sentiment about her being aware of her self or some nonsense.
17. Grant, my friend, your line was bad. I can't even say nice try...
18. Hi James! Your line is lame too!
19. Robby? You bring wine? Alright! And I am digging your shoes.
20. Hey there Alex, your tie is adorable. No cheesy line though? Tsk tsk.
21. "Will, get it together!" Oh no, the flashcard idea was a failure to launch.
22. Sean? John? "You smell good." Great, Jojo. That's the best you can do?
23. Daniel, back at it again with the bad jokes. Awkward.
24. Ali made me giggle. So cute. So so cute.
25. James Taylor with a guitar. I think this was the best limo intro so far.
26. Oh no. Not a kilt, Jonathan. Don't do this. Half Chinese, half Scottish. "I am not wearing any panties." The other men's reactions are the best.
COMMERCIAL BREAK. I regret this play by play decision and it's only 9:45.
27. Santa's blurb saying he was Saint Nick from the North Pole was weird. And the gift? What's the gift? When is he going to take it off?
28. Chase with mustache sunglasses and the cheesiest line to go with it make me feel uncomfortable.
29. I missed this guy's name because I was so distracted by the blue balls. Sal?
30. Coley.
31. Bradley? Brandon? Why is this happening so fast?
I may have missed some men here.
32. Nick S. with a split.
33. Vinny! And toast!
34. Petey with a heart!
35. Evan. You're creepy, evan.
36. Wells is a radio DJ. Who are these men? And she's being serenaded. Nice. He's the prettiest boy I have seen so far.
27. Christian is an old favorite from thirty five minutes ago. Welcome back into my life, Christian.
28. And then there's the dude riding a unicorn. Luke, you smart, smart man. The horse is named Coconut. What a way to finish this up.
COMMERCIAL BREAK. My fingers are tired.
29. And now things get interesting! Here comes the girl!
30. Cheers, Santa!
31. Napoleon complex? Harsh, dude. The claws are coming out already.
32. "You look stupid. Stop."
33. Derek, you are a sweet nerd. You do not look like Harry Potter, but nice try.
34. All the men are nervous and snarky.
35. Ooh, she's wearing his jacket! This looks like the first genuine connection. What a shame I do not know his name.
36. Jordan! Don't kiss her! Don't be that guy!
27. Don't tell her people are talking smack!
28. Don't doubt yourself, Jojo. This can totally work for you. You got this.
29. Awkward music is playing. There was a kiss. And it was bad.
30. Jordan, you are the MVP of the night. That was a sweet kiss. Good job. "His butt? His butt. I got to start doing squats."
31. It's going to be Jordan with that first impression rose.
32. The mood is generally tense right now.
33. The fireplace background is sweet for the Chad conversation.
34. Canadian guy making it weird. Daniel has to explain the "Damn Daniel" youtube video to Jojo? Ick.
35. Now they are all drinking and talking about jumping in the pool. So this is good.
36. Daniel pokes someone's belly button. I have no words.
37. Shirt is off. Clothes are off. No, Daniel, no. He's in the pool. No. He's got to go home.
38. Are all of these men drunk? Why are they walking in on her interview time?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
39. Ali playing Beethoven. I could dig it.
40. It wasn't weird to sit on St. Nick's lap? Really?
41. Tension music! First impression rose!
Zoned out there for a second.
42. Aw! He got her cowboy boots! Good thinking, Luke!
43. "Can I steal you for a second?" The SNL sketch picking on this show hit it on the nose.
44. I called it! Jordan gets the rose!
45. Here we go! First rose ceremony of the season!
46. Uh oh. Surprise limo
47. Who is this guy?!?!
48. Jake is a close family friend? He's like a brother to her? He's been on the Bachelor? This is intense.
49. Oh, okay. We are calm again. He's not interrupting to take her away. He's just offering support, with really bad timing.
50. Only 15 more minutes of this madness.
51. And here are the guys who get roses: Luke, Wells, James Taylor (the guitar player), Grant, Derek, Christian (YAY!), Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon (he's tall), other James, Ali (YAY!), St. Nick (why?), Will (I WILL accept the rose), other other James, Vinny, Evan (I think I like him too?), and Daniel (wait, isn't he the crazy one?).
52. Mr. Kilt is leaving in the daylight. How long of a night was this?!
53. So wait, how many men went home? How many stayed? I watched this whole show and I am still confused.
54. Ugh. These highlights are such teases. The montage of kissing and dancing does not surprise me, but the blood and the police cars sure do!
55. I guess we just have to wait and see...
Best of luck to you, Jojo! I hope you find what you're looking for this season!
