To say that I have been hurt before would be one of the biggest understatements I have ever said. On the surface level, yes I have been in love twice but was the first time really love or was it the idea of love that kept me in that relationship? Well let's find out.
One reason that I want to do it the right way this time is to regain that trust I lost from the beginning. I didn't trust the process of falling in love with someone. I didn't know that I love was a two way scenario, that both parties had to actually try to make the relationship work. I had been living in a world where only one person was trying and I am not even sure if it was me some of the time. He and I bounced our idea of love back and forth to each other without realizing it. He made it seem as if it was something he had done before but he hadn't, I can tell you that. After letting him in several times in the beginning, I should have realized the signs were there.
Another reason I want to change the way I love is to realize that going through a tough time should be something you do together. I went through a horrible time when I met him and while he was there, he wasn't really. He didn't see the invisible battle I was fighting every day I was with him. I wondered who I could go to when my mind was filled with things they shouldn't be, even when his mind was wandering too, it made me wonder if I was the only one on his mind.
The guy I'm with now is flawed. He showed me those earlier on, which is something I begged the first one for. For some people, they have multiple lovers in their life but for me, I was lucky to only narrow it down to two. I want to be the one to change the narrative. I want to make my own unique kind of love that only makes sense to me and him. The difference here is that my first relationship was about figuring out what I wanted from a guy and he certainly proved to me that he wasn't the one. To those confused about their first love, I promise if you give it time, you'll find it again.
