When I came to college I thought I was indestructible. I had a solid group of girlfriends all throughout high school and never found myself in many relationships with boys. I’ve never, ever liked the idea of women relying on men to feel fulfilled or worthy. Putting my entire world and happiness in someone else’s hands sounded like a nightmare and totally not what I ever wanted to do. But there I was, my little 18-year-old self, falling in love five months within starting my freshman year at college. That chapter ended a few months after and my world shattered. So that is when this story begins.
I was broken. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally heart broken. I found myself going through a whirlwind of emotions in the months after, not knowing how to be happy on my own and unsure of who I was. At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I became depressed. My inner happiness was gone because I was silly enough and put my own happiness in another person's hands. I handed my happiness and self-love over on a silver platter to someone else to take care of. I was no longer fulfilling myself on my own and making myself happy. He was. When the silver plate was dropped and broken, so was I. (This story gets happy I swear, hang in there my lovely reader.)
Fast forward some time and halfway through my sophomore year, I started to make lifestyle changes. I knew I was in a bad place and needed to take care of myself again and find the Emma I knew was in there. I discovered a lot of my unhappiness was due to the circles I found myself in. The people around you are so important and play a key part in how you feel and act. Delete the negative people, enter in the people who make you happy to be alive. As cheesy as that sounds, I now have a group of people I surround myself with that make me so happy and excited to live every day with them. Find that feeling with people and I promise you will thrive.
My life then began to change. I focused more on relationships I had with friends and realized the vibes that certain people give me. I laughed more. I smiled more. Most importantly, I began loving myself more. Think of these relationships around you as a little step-stool you need to get past on your way to finding inner happiness within yourself. Always remember, inner happiness and self-love are not certain states you feel during a certain period. It’s deeper and stronger than a happy feeling you might get on a day to day basis. Please understand that “feeling happy” and actually “being happy” are two different things. True happiness is finding your pure self and strength inside that charges you and runs your life.
My discovery of truly being happy and loving myself came to me not too long ago. The summer began and I started making new friends and discovering old ones that helped me uncover my real passions and goals. This past month has been the greatest month ever for me. I seriously cannot stop smiling and I’m actually happy to be alive and excited to live every day. I feel as if there is this light that shines out of me and radiates energy. It is so cheesy to say but I want everyone to find this within themselves. I want you to look at yourself right now and think about if you’re truly happy and loving of your own body and self. It doesn’t matter if you’re single, in a relationship or whatever your circumstance is.
You make your own happiness. If you find that someone else is making you happy and you aren’t fulfilling your life on your own, try changing that. You are in charge of your life. Find yourself and with God you will discover things that I promise you didn’t know before. You’ll find love; but not with someone else. This love will be with yourself. Peace will follow and it’s as if you found a new person inside of you. This world is huge and there are so many places to see and experiences to feel. Discover them and go after them. You will realize that loving yourself is the number one goal here.
People have always said that I’m a bubbly, happy and kind person. That was always an easy appearance for me to wear even when my depression was killing me on the inside. Now I can say I found a sense of self where it is no longer a feeling or mood; it's my lifestyle.
