It is no secret that I hate Christmas.
For years I’ve shocked people with my “is it over yet” attitude when it comes to this time of year. I can’t help it, I just don’t like Christmas. I have nothing against the meaning, whether it be the spiritual meaning or the Hallmark card meaning, but for the past 10 years, I’ve had trouble getting excited about this holiday.
This is what Christmas has been for me for the past 10 years: being forced to listen to the same music on repeat for weeks on end, freezing outside because I have ice in my veins and snow doesn’t make it any better, maybe getting to see my family for an hour or two if I’m lucky, getting asked repeatedly why I hate Christmas and getting lectures when I tell the truth, maybe get some decent sleep just to wake up the next day and try to forget that it all happened until next year rolls around.
I was a Grinch in girl’s clothing.
But believe it or not, I didn’t always hate Christmas. As a kid, you couldn’t find someone more excited than I was about Christmas. I loved everything about it. I loved the food, I loved the lights, and I definitely loved the music. But my favorite part was getting to see my family for hours and hours on end. Maybe that’s why Christmas has changed for me. My family has a hard time getting together anymore. My sacred traditions that I held near and dear to my heart for 14 years of my life were ripped away from me and I dealt with it the only way I knew how. I didn’t want to hurt, and I thought hating it or refusing to acknowledge it would keep me from getting hurt.
Spoiler Alert: I was wrong.
I’m almost 24 now and for the first time in 10 years, I’m not afraid of this day.
This is what Christmas is for me now: at work I sing along with the Christmas carols without even realizing I’m doing it, I wear bells in my hair and own three Christmas sweaters, I’ve decorated my apartment and wrapped gifts, I’ve started watching Christmas movies, and I’m making sure I get plenty of time to see my family.
I’ve grown up. Maybe I had a really good reason for hating Christmas, as most Scrooges generally do, but I’m learning to love it again. It’s a day that has been a constant reminder of what I have lost, but now I’m choosing to let it be a reminder of what I still have. I still have my family, I still have my education, and for the most part, I still have my sanity.
And for the first time in 10 years, I have a growing love for Christmas.
