I was supposed to spend this Sunday doing homework, writing my Odyssey article, answering emails, and running errands. So far it’s past noon and I’ve done next to nothing useful. I set up in the library with the necessities, colored pens, paper, the necessary textbooks, and an iced toffee nut latte, but none of this has encouraged productivity. So I’ve online shopped (with no intention of buying anything), I’ve stared at my emails without responding to any, and I’ve thought a lot about why I feel so unmotivated and distracted about everything lately. And then I started reading an article suggested to me by some email from Pinterest on “finding your calling.” And I think that helped me figure out why I’m so unmotivated.
I read and reflected as the article talked about looking at your natural abilities and natural interests, looking at what you’d be proud of leaving behind when the end of your life comes, or what your dream future looks like. And as I thought and thought and thought, none of this broached anything in me. And then—as I do on what seems like a weekly basis lately—I got really scared about my future.
I am a psychology student with no intention getting my doctorate, and who isn’t even interested in going to grad school if I can help it, who’s much more interested in the culinary arts, entrepreneurship, or business than any careers in my field of study. But none of these interests broach realistic career goals for me given my current track. And I’m left wondering what the hell I’m doing at a $60,000 a year private research school, not doing research, with no career plan in mind, with no passion for a future in psychology, and I feel helpless.
Now sure tons of people don't know what they want to do after college or high school or grad school, but they tend to know the life they want to live, and more often than not they know how they’ll be able to achieve that, they have plans and backup plans that change and move, but they have them nonetheless. But as a female who wants to live in a big city after college, who has no intention of starting a family, my uncertainty broaches an intense fear in me. I’ve grown up knowing I wanted my career to be a HUGE part of my life, but now I have no idea what I want that career to be, or even what type of career I want it to be, and that’s terrifying. The thought that I’ll never find the right passion forces itself into my brain more and more often now.
And I’ve realized I’m freaking out so much in part because I’m afraid I’m wasting time, losing time, and I don't know what I’m going to do when I run out. But I haven’t run out yet, and I do have time no matter how much it feels like I don’t, and no matter how much the type of academic community I’m in focuses on using this time to launch your career. When these thoughts invade my brain I can’t help but think of my senior yearbook quote, a Howard Thurman quote which read, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is more people who have come alive.” And I want to come alive, I want it so bad I'm terrified I'll never find what will do it, but I'm trying. So here’s to using that time to figure out what the hell I’m doing. And until I do, any suggestions are welcome.
