Twitter has been exploding over the past two days, rallying to the side of strong women in strong marriages everywhere after Kirk Cameron, an 80’s child-star who is now a Christian evangelist gave his advice on marriage:
“Wives are to honor and respect and follow their husband’s lead, not to tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband. When each person gets their part right, regardless of how their spouse is treating them, there is hope for real change in their marriage” he reportedly declared on April 30th.
The way I see it, there are a number of things wrong with this statement, which applies to both marriages and relationships, especially when you look between the lines. “Wives are to honor and respect…their husbands” doesn’t seem that bad – ideally, that is how any relationship works. There is mutual respect between partners. But while that is what we would like to hear from that statement, it isn’t what’s being said. Because nowhere in that clause does Cameron mention husbands reciprocating the honor and respect that wives are supposed to have for them.
And then there’s the phrase “Follow their husband’s lead,” which reads slightly off to most modern women. Of course there are times when it is good, even encouraged, to defer to your partner if they are better informed than you, but Cameron seems to be implying that women should follow their husband’s orders like sheep—doing what their told just because they were told to.
The next part of this statement that I take issue with is Cameron’s statement that women should not “tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband.” If I’m giving Cameron the benefit of the doubt, I could take this to mean that wives should not be overly or only critical of their husbands. But the underlying meaning behind that statement is that wives should limit communication with their husbands.
In a relationship, communication is key. If you don’t like something that your partner is doing, you say it. If something makes you uncomfortable, you say it. Otherwise, you get into one of two dangerous situations; either toxic behaviors continue, or tensions bubble up to the point at which there’s a shouting match at 10 pm when you were supposed to be going on a date that evening. And frankly, neither is a good alternative to just saying “Hey, can you not do that thing that drives me insane? Thanks.”
And yeah, it can be hard for partners to hear that their doing something wrong, and sometimes they’re not going to want to change their ways. But communicating, having it out in the open, at least makes it slightly better. Both partners should be comfortable in a relationship, and communication is the only way to ensure that. At least until scientists develop mind-reading technology.
Finally, “When everyone gets their part right, regardless of how their spouse is treating them, there is hope for real change in their marriage.” Is a marriage a play? Movie set? Scripted? Not the last time I checked. Yes, there are certain expectations that partners have for each other in their relationships, but sometimes, if it’s best for one or both of them, expectations shift and change. A relationship is not something that is stuck in cement; it grows and changes with the people in it.
The worst part of that sentence, though, is the line “regardless of how their spouse is treating them.” Woman or man, if your spouse is emotionally or physically abusive, they’re not worth it. No person is worth another person’s mental health, physical well-being, or life. End. Of. Story.
So why do we care? Why am I going on this rant about some misogynistic (sorry to throw that word in there but we all know it’s the right label) comments made by an ex-TV heartthrob? Because if it’s still being said, we still have a problem.
Cameron’s sister, who starred in “Full House” once upon a time, came out in support of him, saying that the submissiveness that Cameron advocates for “is meekness, not weakness. It is strength under control.” Essentially, the love section of every women’s magazine, encouraging women to be confident because it is confidence that makes a woman attractive (a mindset that is a whole other can of worms, to be delved into later), and songs like Megan Trainor’s “NO” and Daya’s “Sit Still, Look Pretty,” championing female empowerment of control, have it all wrong. Women shouldn’t be in charge of their own bodies, careers, relationships – they should just defer to the men. Because obviously their partners and life-partners know better.
Newsflash — the Victorian Ages ended roughly…hhhmmm….lets see….one hundred years ago? Ah yes, that’s right. One hundred years ago. And look at how much progress we’ve made since then! Ignoring or encouraging statements like Cameron’s won’t send us pin-wheeling backward in terms of women’s rights, but they can start of facilitate a toxic shift in mindset.
Ladies, we are strong, independent women who, when it’s all said and done, don’t need a man – especially not one who’s going to expect us to sit still and look pretty.
