CHAPTER 1 - UNWIND
Humility creates an unimaginable bond between your mind and heart, and the mannerism had always been a stranger to me. My whole life was built in its absense, so whenever the peculiarity unveiled itself to me, usually in a person's character, I find myself in awe, but somehow confused. I begin to question the level of my arrogance, or was it really arrogance? I might just be sanely proud of the lifestyle I'm used to living, the prestigious education I've always received, and how my parents have always spoon-fed my mind with the idea that our family is living in the utmost indulgence.
Of course, with all frankness and honesty, I have always felt superior to most of my friends, or at least that is how my parents have always made me feel. For seventeen years, my mind had been insensitive to the word "money", and my days were always filled with luxury, surrounded by well-heeled friends and acquiantances. It was a life style that enriched my physicality and mentality, but it was also rotting out my modesty quietly.
Luxury could never prepare myself for this on going period of crumbling course of life. People tell me this is a new start, and I could be better, reborn into a more modest human being, and that life is getting better without me realizing it. I want to believe them, trust me, I want to. I want to stabilize my emotional well being, but for seventeen years, I had thought that my family and I were not even a bit close to a state of deficiency, until I found out that we have always been there and have never left.
The brain does not make sense of time when in desperation, so I felt life has tasted bitter for way too long now. I would be numb to whoever tried to bring back my senses, or I would push people away for trying to revive my dying soul. The world, my reverie, were decaying rapidly, but then universe has its way of capturing my undivided attention by introducing me to a few of God's angels.
CHAPTER 2 - SAINT MICHAEL, THE ARCHANGEL
Saint Michael is one of God's angels who condemned the devil to hell and just like him, you sent my devils, my fears to a pit of complete darkness.
Dear you,
Each week, in your oftenly worn dark blue t-shirt and raven black cap, you approached me, offered me some coffee, and you somehow knew my mind needed a little caffeine shock therapy. The steam from the hot water continuously evaporated from your mug, it's as if each water molecule in the air is a second that passed while you waited for my polite refusal. Even from afar, you would notice how my day has been blurred with afflictions, so just like any other sensitive human being, you asked "Are you okay?" and let out a sweet shrug to gently coat your nerves and shy personality. Your warm smile faded as I smiled, for this is my way of letting out my misery. The seat right across from me is always empty, then I realized that somehow the universe is saving a spot for you to console me.
There was never a single conversation with you not looking into my eyes to make sure that I don't lie about whatever answer I uttered. You knew that it was just nearly impossible for me to share my burdens with someone else, so you always give me reassurance. You made promises, telling me that it would be okay to put my trust in you. Unfortunately, the world's cruelty has taken all the trust I had left years ago. It would take me another few years to gain it back and only if I spend the next years with the right people.
I keep my mouth shut, just to allow you to keep talking, creating a temporary, hopefully permanent, distraction. You noticed this, so you tell all your different experiences, from family conflicts to love issues, hoping that one could finally relate to me.
You have built a fence around my mind so effortlessly that your words of charisma and love just distract a part of my brain that would dramatically react to the disconsolating whispers in my head.
I thank you for the warmth you radiate and for providing me a sense of safety, comfort and respect my father could never give me. I thank you for condemning my anxieties to hell. I thank you for understanding me even when I have no words to say. You are an angel.
With love,
Me
CHAPTER 3 - AZRAEL, ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION
Under vulnerable circumstances, God sends Azrael to provide us with comfort and protection. Just like him, you have never failed to look after me and speak words that would bring my rationality to light.
Dear you,
Your good faith and generosity always surprised me. Many have had prejudices against Azrael, for he was named as an angel of destruction. The assumption that he would destroy anything in God's way circled around until it was clarified that his purpose was to comfort those who are experiencing loss or crossing from one world to another. During my time with you, it was never a physical loss, rather a loss of love and unity. The lack of strength in my family's unity made me feel cold deep inside. I could feel that my chest was hollow, and it was missing something. I would channel my emptiness to self-doubting, and this continuous doubting resulted my confidence to finally fall from the edge of a cliff after hanging up there for quite a while.
I yearn for my family's love, and we all would fail to catch it every single time. When the universe provides time and chances to make up for all the misses, my family prefered heated debates and endless blaming, so this is where my frustration and desire to disappear would come up. My heart is like an ice too cold to even hold itself together, instead it would rather break.
God waits for the time that I finally decided to shut myself down, then he sent you. When my emotions drowned me in its waves, the lifeguard ran in and pulled me back to the surface. Your rationality and friendly comfort just saved me everytime. The laughters and boldness that you tailored, blanketed me and stuck to my skin like it had always been part of me. "It has always been you," you told me. You saw me for who I am inside when everyone else could only see who I allowed them to see. You recognized my beauty, raised my confidence and kept it up there. I don't think that you know how much you're healing me. You recognized my value and encouraged me to keep it in a trophy case. Other times, you would freeze just to keep me alive, this extent of love has proven who you are as a person, and God blesses you for that. I thank you for being my safeguard. I thank you for bringing back my lost sense of adventure and boldness. I thank you for continuing to amuse me in ways I thought only people in novels would do. I thank you for being an angel.
With love,
Me
CHAPTER 4 - ARIEL, LION OF GOD
Archangel Ariel encourages us to care for our spirituality and to live up to our highest potential possible and just like her, you would never let me settle for less.
Dear you,
I believe you are aware how difficult it is to find people who would revitalize you both inside and out. I thought it was impossible to find that someone in a world where the idea of unity is blurred by each of our self interest, but things began to change as I got to know you.
Even the sun envies your shine. People light up whenever you smile, it's as if all the energy in the room would bow down to you when you walk in. I would jump everytime I see you, and your smile would get me even more delighted. Even Mother Theresa's honey-sweet heart would praise your soul, and I don't think anyone could replace your liveliness. This is how you enlighten and freshen my mind. We can't help but love you for your strength of a warrior and innocence of a child.
I've always longed for tight hugs, hugs that just crack your spine, pulling you into the other person's vulnerable vicinity. It's not often that someone lets you in like that, a movement of intimacy, a dance. You know or you might not know, I'm not as priviledged as others, I don't get to go home to my mom everyday and hug her.
You possibly knew. I believe that intimacy between sisters lets off a telepathic radiation, and we understood each other.
To stay in honesty, it's not easy to keep this letter long, this one in particular, I find it difficult to romanticize a woman. However, one last thing I can say is that you stand on a high pedestal that I aspire to sit on one day, maybe i'll never make it, but it's worth a try when someone else is pulling you up. "We'll go up together. Don't settle, I won't let you," you said. Then again, every word you say would earn my respect and leave me charmed.
I thank you for taming the poison inside of me, I thank you for soothing the ache with your healing glow. I thank you for calming my inherited waves of wrath. I thank you, for you are an angel.
With love,
Me
CHAPTER 5 - ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL
The healing angel, Raphael, heals the world by bringing joy and light to the world. Just like him, you noticed the dark sorrows in my eyes, and illuminate them.
Dear you,
Almost everyone in our space knows I lack my family's attention, and you're one of the few people who took this message in your heart.
I would be leaning against the kitchen counter, just waiting for you to turn around, and the heat and aroma of your rich form of art would travel through the air. Sometimes you turn right back without noticing me, but most of the time, you smile to make sure that I'm okay. "You okay?" you asked. It's as if you beg for reassurance, hoping that one of your sisters is at least doing better than the other. I remind you of her, I think I remind most of you of your little sisters.
A mutual feeling of sympathy and attentiveness draws me into a warm atmosphere everytime you look at me and watch my change of expressions. It is not, in the slightest bit, menacing. I long for this kind of love from an older brother, one I had always wanted but never had. A brother who would hug me in his jacket when I'm cold, feed me when I get hungry, get angry when I get too drawn into the dark society. A society that took my trust far away, but somehow, you brought it back through your sincere aura. You give an impression of purity, it's so difficult to believe that such a person exists.
Whenever my tear shed, you didn't just ask me what was wrong. You dropped whatever job you were doing, pulled me to the side and said things, hoping in faith that your words would change me. You never forced the words out of me, but you asked for my permission to get into my perception.
I thank you for being the protective brother figure. I thank you for keeping the warmth in me, even during winter. I thank you for not barging into my space. I thank you for the angelic magnetism you carry. I thank you for genuinely, purely and effortlessly being you. You are an angel.
With love,
Me
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Most nights, I pray to God in desperation, I would ask for mercy for demanding too much of Him. Other than a peaceful mind, health, harmony and guidance, I always ask Him if he had anymore angels left to keep me company and be my friends. Then I tell Him that if He had already run out of angels, at least send them to me when I'm asleep to keep me safe and sound. It turns out that God had done more than I asked, he didn't just send them to my dreams, he let me meet them in person, talk to them, laugh with them, and I could not be more grateful than this.
We celebrate our lives, our days, as if we are never going to see each other again.
They held my hands as I go up the ladder,
They let me be the valuable person who lives without ever needing validation,
For we know, the empires we have helped each other built were never meant for anyone who weren't ready to composedly assist others in grace.
I thank all these angels for teaching me that once we become love itself, we can never be without it.
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