The Holidays Are A Little More Dark and Sinister than You Thought

3 Christmas Movie Conspiracy Theories To Make You Question Your "Holiday Spirit"

Some people really go out of the way for an interesting theory, just wait for the honorable mention.

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Christmas is almost here, and we are here for it. With every movie that's ever released however, someone has to twist a most likely harmless idea into some newer, darker meaning. Out of my own curiosity, sometimes you just need to delve into the rabbit hole of the internet and see what you can find. Some might make a small amount of sense, others are completely outrageous, either way, you can have some fun and decide for yourself, but here are three older films that have pretty popular fan-guided conspiracy theories.

1. The elves planned Santa's death.

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In Disney's "The Santa Clause" (1994), Tim Allen plays Scott Calvin, a divorced father who has his son for Christmas. This Christmas Eve however, doesn't go exactly as expected. They are awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of someone walking on their roof (SHOCKER!). Scott then ventures outside and shouts up to the red-suited figure standing at his chimney and is even more surprised when the figure falls. Upon attempting to check for this man's identification we discover a greeting card that says "Santa Claus. If something should happen to me, put on my suit, the Reindeer will know what to do" and afterwards the physical body within the suit vanishes.

After some coercing and adventure, we finally get to see the North Pole that Scott now delivers for. After arriving, Mr. Calvin is obviously concerned and confused as to why he is here and what he's supposed to be doing now. He's shown around for the night and is returned to his bed sometime before waking up the next morning like nothing happened, aside for his new pajamas.

Throughout this entire sequence of events though, the elves don't seem to be fazed in the slightest by the new Santa's arrival. They even spend a scene in the movie talking about the older Santa and that now the children and the world are happier having this new Santa. This, along with the original card found, and the (mostly) safe assumption that Santa Claus doesn't die and become replaced every year, can only really be interpreted that the elves were already expecting the death of their Santa. And much like Hamlet and Scar from "The Lion King," how can you especially anticipate the death of a leader? By planning it.

(There is also a theory surrounding the possibility that Bernard, the head elf, may be the dead Santa's son.)

2. The hobo in "The Polar Express" died on the train.

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In "The Polar Express," we meet a hobo atop the train. This hobo calls himself the "King of the North Pole," but claims to not believe in Santa or Christmas. He does however ask Hero Boy if he believes in ghosts, and when the hobo receives an answer of "no," all he has to say is "interesting." Obviously, we are not dealing with just a man, or lack thereof, though because he can clearly manage to disappear and reappear in the snow and appear alternatively in certain scenes in order to provide assistance throughout the film.

How did this hobo die though? If you pay some close attention to the conductor, he'll tell you that on his first ride on the train he was saved from falling off by someone unknown. Along with this, the DVD "extra song" shows the engineers telling the kids that the hobo was sitting on the top of the train when he collided with the top of Flatop and was killed. Ouch!

3. Frosty is actually a poltergeist. 

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Everyone knows the story behind Frosty the Snowman. A group of children made a snowman one day "with a corncob pipe and a button nose and his eyes made out of coal," it says. It also mentions that the weather is warm, so we can assume that winter is ending. This theory focuses on where these kids obtained their coal. Did they get coal for Christmas because they were bad kids? The song does mention that the hat was found and that that was the reason for Frosty's life, but where did the hat come from other than the evil magician? All potential magic can have a dark side and that dark side is what this theory relies on. Not much else is said about it other than this life force within the snowman could potentially be there to ruin/steal lives. I mean, he did encourage children to run away to the North Pole with him after all.

Honorable Mention

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"The land of Whoville in 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' is a post-apocalyptic land set in an alternate timeline where Hitler won WWII."

Yes, I seriously found this. No, I have no explanation.

Popular Right Now

10 Ways To Be The Girl Every Guy Wants

A comprehensive do-it-yourself guide to being the girl every guy wants.
aussymac
aussymac
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1. Smile all the time.

Guys want to be with girls who are always happy. Men get severely uncomfortable when all the women around them are not Cheshire cat level elated all the fucking time. Why are you mad? Why do you look so pissed? Are you defective? Autopilot your brain to borderline creepy giddiness before men get the idea that you might actually be capable of a full range of human emotion.

2. Be smart.

Men want women to be smart, but never smarter than them. Don’t know or say anything too much about anything specifically – except sports.

3. Eat like a man, look like a lady.

How many burgers can you fit in your mouth at once? Better, even, how many hotdogs? Have the appetite of a grizzly bear, but eat like a cute tiny rabbit, or Kate Upton faking an orgasm. Oh, and never, ever get above a size 4.

4. Play video games.

No guy can resist a girl who loves to play video games (in her underwear). Fifa, 2K, Smash, Kart – know them all. If you can’t at least beat his worst friend at his favorite game, you’re not a keeper.

5. Love beer.

If you can’t throw ‘em back like one of the guys, you’re not wifey. Yeah, that Norwegian IPA no one's ever fucking heard of? You got it. Bud Light? Sure. Fat Tire? You love that shit. Feel free to let out that beer burp while you’re at it, but the burp you’d imagine a Japanese dwarf squirrel would let out after eating rainbows. Oh, and don’t forget, size 4.

6. Be a freak, but also a nun.

We all know that lyric (thank you, Ludacris, so much). Hit those yoga poses hard because he wants you to bust that shit out like you’ve done it before. But you haven’t … right? Have you?!

7. Keep him on his toes.

No man wants a woman who is predictable and boring. Challenge him. Keep him intrigued. Drop an F bomb every now and then. Learn a foreign language in your spare time so that you might give the illusion of being exotic in bed (Slavic languages sound super sexy). Induce yourself into an epileptic seizure. Whatever it takes to keep it interesting.

8. Have quirks.

Ah, quirks. The things that make people unique. The things that make people, people. You must have at least three of these but no more than five. Think relatable Stepford Wife.

9. Be hot.

This is potentially the most important, and luckily I don’t need to tell you how this works. Look at anything. Anywhere. That ever existed.

10. Never, ever get mad.

The worst thing you can do as a woman is challenge a man’s authority. Don’t talk back. Don’t think. Don’t have expectations. Sit. Roll over. Hold the bark.

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And finally, in the spirit of strong conclusions and remarkably appropriate GIFs:

Cover Image Credit: Tumblr
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15 Thing Only Early 2000's Kids Will Understand

"Get connected for free, with education connection"

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This is it early 2000's babies, a compilation finally made for you. This list is loaded with things that will make you swoon with nostalgia.

1. Not being accepted by the late 90's kids.

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Contrary to what one may think, late 90's and early 00's kids had the same childhood, but whenever a 00's kid says they remember something on an "only 90's kids will understand" post they are ridiculed.

2. Fortune tellers.

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Every day in elementary school you would whip one of these bad boys out of your desk, and proceed to tell all of your classmates what lifestyle they were going to live and who they were going to marry.

3.Bunnicula

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You could never read this book past 8 o'clock at night out of fear that your beloved pet rabbit would come after you.

4. Silly bands.

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You vividly remember begging your parents to buy you $10 worth of cheap rubber bands that vaguely resembles the shape of an everyday object.

5. Parachutes.

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The joy and excitement that washed over you whenever you saw the gym teacher pull out the huge rainbow parachute. The adrenaline that pumped through your veins whenever your gym teacher tells you the pull the chute under you and sit to make a huge "fort".

6. Putty Erasers

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You always bought one whenever there was a school store.

7. iPod shuffle.

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The smallest, least technological iPpd apple has made, made you the coolest kid at the bus stop.

8. "Education Connection"

You knew EVERY wood to the "Education Connection" commercials. Every. Single.Word.

9. " The Naked Brothers Band"

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The "Naked Brothers Band" had a short run on Nickelodeon and wrote some absolute bangers including, "Crazy Car' and "I Don't Wanna Go To School"

10. Dance Dance Revolution

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This one video game caused so many sibling, friend, and parent rivalries. This is also where you learned all of your super sick dance moves.

11. Tamagotchi

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Going to school with fear of your Tamagotchi dying while you were away was your biggest worry.

12. Gym Scooters

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You, or somebody you know most likely broke or jammed their finger on one of these bad boys, but it was worth it.

13. Scholastic book fairs

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Begging your parents for money to buy a new book, and then actually spending it on pens, pencils, erasers, and posters.

14.Go-Gurt

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Who knew that putting yogurt in a plastic tube made it taste so much better?

15. Slap Bracelets

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Your school probably banned these for being "too dangerous".

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