They say the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem. Okay… I have a problem. I wish I could say dilemma, but that would mean my problem is situational. It’s not. Here goes, I’m afraid of being alone. I need constant distraction in order to feel complete. I guess many people have this problem.
I put on the strong and independent facade, but I am neither independent or strong. I’m deathly afraid I will never find love. I also care about what other’s think. I don’t believe in soulmates; that belief died. I know why I am afraid: who could ever love me? I know someone could tolerate me, but who will love me like family: unconditionally? I came to terms with- I’m not classically beautiful so I worked on my personality and talent. Still, people left.
If I’m not beautiful what do I have to offer humanity? If society doesn’t deem me, am I worthy? It is turmoil. I feel anxious and nervous when I go out. My brain tells me, “I am too ugly to find a mate.” It seems like my flaws are never-ending. If my partner knew I struggled with mental illness how would their love for me evolve? It seems like an excuse at times or maybe I’m too sensitive, but who isn't sensitive these days.
I pretend the teasing in junior high didn’t bother me, but sometimes I find myself worrying about my body and just recently my face. Now, I think I look better, but am I good enough to be with a man? Can I keep a friendship without being jealous or too forward? No. I haven’t seen the best examples of love and romance so I don't know healthy relationships are.
As a woman, I’m not comfortable in my own womanhood; It is more than a feeling or wearing make up and heels. For me, its deeper than that. I have yet conquered femininity. I have yet to realize the power I have as a woman. I struggle with my delicacy. I think every woman needs to be delicate and lite. I can’t express my own femininity because for some reason it missed me.
I missed the high school nostalgia. I missed out on the experience of romanticism through self-sabotage and other girls’ comments. I feel people know when my make up is off people know I’m a novice when walking in heels. I try to cover my own insecurities but my shine in the holes of pretend self-confidence. Even in a nicely tailored dress, I feel rough. I wish I had a do-over another shot at womanhood. I wished I could fix these silly problems, but I don’t know how.
Hi, My name is Vianka and I lack the confidence to be alone.
