They say young love is dumb, wild, and crazy. I think this was a good way to describe this particular relationship - in addition to being emotionally abusive. It was quite explosive and extreme; when we were good, it was really good. But, when it was bad...it was really bad. And the thing is, he controlled whether or not we were on good or bed terms. I was not entitled to feel emotions anymore, unless he wanted me to. For those who haven't been with a very manipulative person, it's hard to understand that concept. But for those who have, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
There were specific things my partner would do/say repeatedly that I didn't realize until much later that it was abusivse. There was the classic flowers and chocolates after a very bad fight. Manipulators have a way of making you feel sky high after a big fall out. Actually, there was actually a lot of nice things he did for me, but not genuine. It's a way for them to convince you that they are the best you can get. A common line from him was, "Who else would do this for you?" He completely convinced me that this was it - this was as good as it was gonna get. So I settled and I stayed.
Another common play of his was isolation and blaming me for pretty much everything. He was determined to spend every day with me. If I wanted to spend time with friends or my family instead, it was always a big fight. He would play a pity card, something along the lines of "Oh, you don't love me enough to spend time for me." Obviously, I thought I loved him more than anything, so I would drop everything to spend time with him. It was stuff like this that was always my fault. I didn't make enough time, I didn't care enough, I didn't do enough in general for him. This goes back to the idea of "I'm the best you'll have." I always thought I was a terrible mess of a girlfriend, and I was so lucky I found someone who "put up with me".
If you're reading this article and it reminds you of the relationship you are in now - run. I know it's easier said than done, but staying in that relationship ruined me. Even though it's been a long time since our breakup, the abuse left lasting effects. It's hard for me to trust genuine actions, because I think there's always a different motive behind them. I still do too much for people that don't deserve it because I think that's how relationships and friendships are supposed to work. I forgive easily because I'm afraid of a fight. All in all, I'm not the same person I was before this relationship. I wish you all happy and healthy relationships, and remember to take care of yourself. Take a step back and evaluate your relationship, and don't for a second think you deserve any form of abusive. You are more than that. I'm more than that.
