I'm still mad at you, even if it's just a speck or for a split second in time. I know it's a waste of energy, but I don't care. I can't help what I feel and I can't fully explain it. I just know that you hurt me and I'm doing better, but I can't just erase the moments where it feels just like yesterday that you pushed me aside like I wasn't human. It's been permeated into my brain for life and those are the consequences that I have to live with. Two years since I've seen your face, and I've been hard on myself; convincing myself that I need to never think about you in order to not feel like a pathetic loser. The truth is that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and I still can be strong and accomplished while thinking about you from time to time. Why? Because it's natural, and because you don't just forget someone you spent six years fighting for and being with.
One would think that I would be 100 percent over it and living my life to the fullest, like those happy girls in movies. But let's be realistic; nobody forgets no matter how hard they try. I'm one of those people in a sea of millions.
Yes, it's true that I have come such a long way in this journey. I have already written a few new chapters where your character isn't present, but little do most know, you're still there in a sense, sitting at the back of my mind. It's brief and it comes in waves. Sometimes I won't think about you for a really long time, but overall, there is still that reminder of you, that memory of you and I when we were together. There are just so many recollections of us, all compact into six years. Whether we went months without speaking to each other, getting back together, the heartache, embracing the moments where we felt like an infinite duo when we were a couple, even those special times where we kept falling back into the same routine where telling each other everything felt so right, and not being together felt like a crime. Those lingering feelings. I can't just go through the day without remembering what you were about. I can't watch a movie without relating the two main characters to who we were when we were together, or that one song by that band we used to listen to. It's entirely impossible. If someone told me that they never thought about their ex-significant other throughout the day, I wouldn't believe them. It's just a lie they tell to themselves.
Yes, I can safely say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, and thinking about you doesn't make me depressed anymore. But I do have those times where I wonder why you didn't want me when I knew that I wanted you; despite all of the times you screwed me over and I should have come to my senses and left. I wish I could turn off all of the memories, but they are here for life. I used to think that there was something wrong with me because I would think about you still, and I would continue having dreams with you in them. I would over-analyze them and get frustrated with myself because I figured it "wasn't supposed to be that way." But is there really a right way in this life? I would say to myself, "You're pathetic. It's been how many years and he's still on your mind on a daily basis?"
You'll always be the first guy that I fell in love with. You'll always be the first guy to break my heart. I can't keep pretending like it's not a big deal because it was and it is. I can't keep beating myself up for feeling nostalgic whenever I see something that reminds me of you. It's normal for me to get like this, and to have an old emotion revisit my being. Maybe if I wasn't so hard on myself for admitting that I still harbor anger and pain, it would be easier coming to terms with everything. Importantly, it doesn't matter how much time has passed, you feel what you feel when you feel it. There's no expiration date on having a broken heart. When experiencing a crucial, monumental period of time with someone who you impacted your life, time is irrelevant.
You still think about it, too.
