How do you keep moving forward? Even when it feels like you're spinning your wheels. Trying to get somewhere but not quite gaining ground. That's what I've been going through this year. Making to-do list after to-do list yet barely making a dent in them as the week flies by.
It's exhausting and the feeling of incompetence grows day by day. In efforts to catch up and get my sh*t together I've neglected important parts of my life in the process. I've been pushing things aside like having a social life, relationships and vacations in favor of grinding and isolation. Somehow thinking that when I'm in a better place I'll be able to indulge without guilt.
This endless cycle of moving the goalpost further and further away means you never get a chance to celebrate a win, but that's not what I'm doing here. I'm working on myself to become a person I'm proud of. Someone who's happy and accomplished and living their dreams. So I grind, I listen to audiobooks on my way to work, once I go home I work on my skills taking courses online. I attend networking events, plan out projects for the future, pile it on and on. UntiI I not only forget why I started but I lose all sense of enjoyment and creativity.
It wasn't until after flaming out again and intending on bashing myself in my bullet journal that I got some perspective. I read the last page, where I put down goals that seemed long term and unattainable at the time of writing. It listed simple stuff like fixing and paying off my car. Getting a new computer and a job that met my ask.
I have all these things now, almost the entire list. I've achieved all but two items on that list. I remembered thinking how relieved I'd feel if I'd only been able to complete just one of those tasks. It's been months now and I never got that relief. I blew past those goals in a frenzy while forging towards the next one.
Now months later, after already having what I wanted I'm still in a place of lack. It was a wild realization, how many of my accomplishments are shadowed by future goals. There I was moving the goalpost further and further away. I want to find a balance between burning out and being complacent. I stumbled across a newsletter that helped me find perspective.
It's not the usual, hustle everyday or life will pass you by motivation fix I was creating daily. It helps remind me to take it slow at times and ACKNOWLEDGE my accomplishments. To own the relief that comes with getting something you wanted and worked for. I've even gone as far as keeping a done list to calm my anxieties because I realized that although I may never be satisfied with my progress. At least I'll be able to look back and see how far I've come.
If you've ever felt that way, please step back. Look way back and that pride and what you've accomplished so far. If you don't, who will! No one know how hard you worked but you. Stop beating yourself up! One of my favorite quotes is "a good protagonist can get themselves in and out of trouble.” At whatever stage you are on your journey know that you got this and you've made it this far. Sounds cheesy but write your intentions down and circle back from time to time. Relax and be relieved, also if you have trouble telling yourself let me say this now. Good job! Way to go!