Suicide and depression are two of the hardest things one can encounter in their life. The feeling that comes with both gives you the impression that there is no reason to go on; that there is no reason to get help. That you do not deserve to get help. A twist that makes this struggle even more difficult is when one is suicidal, but does not want to die.

I struggled with this mentality for the past few years. I did not believe that what I was going through was "bad enough" to warrant my seeking out and thus receiving help from a doctor or therapist. So I suffered in silence for the majority of my battle with the contradiction between not wanting to leave this earth yet still feeling the effects of suicidal thoughts.

My friends and family started to notice a decline in my attitude and mood. It got to the point where it was worrying to them so my parents decided it was time for me to seek professional help. Of course, I was reluctant to go. I was not at as bad of a point in my life as some people awaiting appointments with professionals--why should I take one of their spots?

But I went. And it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I found out that I needed medication and therapy and after a few trials and errors we found the right amount of each. Ever since my suicidal thoughts (but not wanting to die) have been much less prevalent in my life.

If you are struggling with similar things, feeling suicidal but not wanting to carry through with any of the thoughts. You deserve and need, help from professionals. If taking that large of a step right away is too much for you, simply opening up to people you trust, really trust, will be a good start.

Even if you are not at the point, and I hope you never get there, of despair where nothing sounds like a viable option anymore except ending your life, you deserve to seek out therapy, medication, or whatever you need personally. Just because you are not at such a drowning point does not mean that you do not merit feeling better. Everyone should have peace and happiness in their life that outweighs their negative feelings. And having suicidal thoughts of any kind detracts from this. Or gets rid of them wholly.

There is no degree of depression or suicidal thoughts that warrant a visit to the doctor. If you feel as though you are struggling daily, you deserve help. Even one session has the power to change how you feel, but it is likely that it will take time and effort. But, that time and effort will most certainly be worth it in the end.