Passion. What is it anyways? Where does it go?
When I first embarked on my college escapade, I felt like how I would imagine it feels to be one of those little dinosaur sponges that I use to play with in the bathtub as a kid.* I had this completely and insanely unwarranted sense of fearlessness when classes began. There was so much to learn and so little time and I wanted to soak up as much as I possibly could every moment of every day.
Before I go any further, I must pause to address a thought that has likely crossed the minds of at least 70% of the people reading this, "NERD!!". It's totally OK, though, because I'm thinking it too. I am sure that this situation could apply to any project or plan that a person starts out as an enthusiastic dry dinosaur sponge and then becomes a complacent machine about over time. So bear with me as I talk about this phenomenon that seems to hinder the success of people everywhere but from my point of view which is indeed - nerdy to the max.
Since that fateful day a little over four years ago I have succumbed to my inner sloth and learned to enjoy laying on the couch watching Netflix perhaps a little bit more than I should. I find that I no longer am excited to learn so much as I am just doing my best to get decent grades in my classes. Maybe it is nostalgia, or maybe it is just pure regret, but I find myself wondering What happened? How can I go from being that girl to the person I am today? And maybe it is just a desperate attempt for me to feel like I am a little bit less of a failure, but I want to believe that there are probably thousands of students out there who have also lost their original 'glow' that they had as a college freshman. The following words may not bring any of us closure, but I would at least like for us all to take a moment to explore our own individual "What happened?" in hopes that we may discover where the transition took place.
So, freshman year I am the aforementioned dinosaur sponge . My curiosity, alone, has me in this trance where every single day is an exciting adventure; I really cannot stress enough how much of a total geek I was. When exams and project due dates rolled around I was hardly nervous as I was putting in the hours without even noticing it. Eventually, Sophmore year hit and I changed my major. I was so excited about my new major that for that first-semester life was still grand as could be. I remember when spring semester rolled around, that was when everything got a bit harder and I started to lose my footing. If I am going to be completely honest the rest is somewhat of a blur and suddenly I am here in the present wondering if this article will ever be published because it might actually lack a point.
I thought about it for a day and here is what I have come up with:
I think when I started getting back exams with C's on them, I must have subconsciously made a decision that I was not allowed to enjoy learning anymore. I believe that perhaps, deep down, I felt that if my best efforts earned me anything other than an A, then I was no longer worthy of enjoying my work at all. I want to make this clear, I do not think it was a few crummy test scores that ruined my passion, it was fear and my ego that buried my passion deep down inside of me. I am clearly not an expert, but I would guess that if I asked a psychologist they would confirm my conclusion. I was unintentionally evaluating all of my self-worth based on whether I was able to meet a standard that had nothing to do with anything that I truly believed in or cared about. If I were listening to someone else tell me the same story, I know for a fact that I would bring up a Michael Jordan reference and explain to them how just because you fail once, doesn't mean you have failed forever. If it were another person, I would let them know that they are worthy of happiness and that it is OK to enjoy something even when it might be difficult or they might mess up.
So now that I have explained my "insight" on the matter:
It is important that we all set aside some time to remind ourselves why we are doing whatever it is that we are doing. If each of us can remember a time when we once had the enthusiasm of those dang dinosaur sponges hitting the water, then each of us can get to that place again. We just have to remember how to give ourselves permission to try.
*If you have no idea what these dinosaur sponges that I am talking about, please refer to the following image as a reference:
