The Fear of Sacrifice and Commitment
Start writing a post

The Fear of Sacrifice and Commitment

Every relationship will require that both parties, not just one, makes sacrifices for the greater good of the relationship.

The Fear of Sacrifice and Commitment

Giving you up in relationships equals boundary issues.

Think: people pleasing, playing roles, overfunctioning and overcompensating, not addressing code amber and red behaviour, morphing, blending and adapting to suit whichever partner you’re with, and putting your partners on a pedestal by treating them as if they’re an authority over you and a parental replacement.

These habits not only guarantee pain but they also cut you off from intimacy–you can’t do these and be yourself and be vulnerable, which also cuts off commitment and the other landmarks of healthy relationships.

When you associate relationships with sacrifice, very often, it’s fear of loss of freedom and/or fear of loss of self, the irony being that to avoid sacrificing in this way, you procrastinate in an unavailable relationship where you can almost feel as if you’re a prisoner of your own fears and are playing a role where you’re anything but yourself.

It can appear as if you’re not only trying but damn near breaking your back in your relationships but it’s still avoidance. On some level, you will fear that committing will be cosigning to the painful future loss that your fears tell you is going to happen [and that your current relationship habits are acting as ‘protection’ for]. You’re making motions but you’re not having to commit.

If you on some level fear that being in a relationship is going to result in sacrificing you or that being vulnerable is going to result in sacrificing you, it’s because you’ve either witnessed this in key relationships in your life and vowed, “I’m never going to put myself in the same situation as my mother/father/whoever it was”, and/or you’ve been sacrificing you in your relationships (because you believe that this is something that you have to do because the other person is seen as more important/valuable and are trying to create a tipping point of reciprocation so you can increase self-worth) and each hurt is feeding the fears and also renewing the vow that you’ll never put you ‘back there’ again, ‘back there’ being the source of the original hurt that set the stage for this pattern of sacrifice.

It’s a vicious circle because, if you on some level fear that you will lose something by being in a relationship or by opening you up to vulnerability, you make decisions on that basis and you’re either going to be outside of a relationship, ‘free’, but still afraid, or attempting to be in a relationship or in one, but also still afraid. Relationships will equal loss and who wants to ‘lose’?

You will also sacrifice the things that you truly want, need, and desire because you’re catering to these fears and forgetting who you truly are.

It’s also critical to note that any relationship where the other party expects you to give you up as a way of ‘proving’ your love and making them more important, is a relationship to run in the opposite direction from, FAST.

If you recognize that you have this fear of sacrifice /fear of commitment, recognizing its origins is the beginning of using awareness to break that pattern and to work through anything that needs some healing attention. An easy starting point is: Who taught me that this is what relationships look and feel like? Who or what taught me to be afraid?

So examine where your story of relationships are about sacrifice came from. Ask questions, examine your family connections or your relationship history and see where you can rewrite that story and address any old hurts that are presenting themselves in your current relationship habits, because it’s not worth sacrificing your life and hurting you, just to keep old stories in play.

Ultimately, the real sacrifice that you have to make is giving up the value of the protection that these beliefs and stories give you (hiding out) for something more valuable and important to you (your true self and the relationship you want).

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Social Media Or Soul Media

To the generation that cares way too much about affirmation.

Emma Smith
  • This semester I am taking the ever so famous class, Writing 101. Walking into it, I had heard the horror stories about each major assignment. I have to admit, it’s not a class that I am fond of. But, major assignment #2 got me thinking, we had to create a research question based off of a topic that we are interested in.

Two weeks prior, I watched a very interesting documentary on Netflix. Miss Representation was recommended to me by one of my friends and I have to say the topic is absolutely mind blowing. Social Media and Female Body Image. How Social Media makes girls see this unnatural perfection of ‘beauty’ that really doesn’t exist. But female body image isn’t the only thing affected by social media.

Keep Reading... Show less

Sex And The Church

A letter to fellow believers.

Amanda Hayes
  • I know many of you just read that title and thought it was scandalous to see something so “risque” in the same setting as something holy. Well guess what – sex is part of that. Everyone seems to think they are separate, which makes since because most people treat them as though they are complete polar opposites. Shall we think this through?

Who created the Church body? God. Who created the body? Also God. If we know God to be the creator of all things, we cannot leave sex out of that equation. God created sex, people! Praise Him! Like all great things, the world has twisted and perverted it. The world has stained it so badly that even many church congregations see it only as stained and keep quiet about that part of God’s word. Many people know that God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), but a lot of people overlook the entirety of Song of Solomon. The entire book is dedicated to telling of the love and sex between man and wife. God blessed us with the gift of intimacy, one to be shared between husband and wife. Church if we teach of sex as the blessing that it is, more people will start treating it as such. If we stop viewing sex as this unspeakable act, the temptation would be lessened. With the fall of man, humans naturally desire things they should not have. So if more people speak of it with gladness and praise, and do not hide it in the darkness as if it were vile, fewer people would be drawn to it for the wrong reasons. More people would appreciate it for what it is: a gift from God.

Keep Reading... Show less

Chick-fil-A, I love you.

Keep Reading... Show less

An open letter to my father

What you did sounds dumb to me

An open letter to my father
The Truth About My Parents' Divorce

Considering im 18 now & you're one of the best men i've ever met since you have a child; me. I want you to know that I love you, more than anyone, I love you. I don't forgive you for the way you hurt my mother. I'm hurt because you broke our family. Thing went down hill the day you found Laquita. You we're distant & shortly after my mother turned into the coldest, saddest women to walk past me. She's my best friend & so are you. Not one day goes by where I don't wonder what she did wrong. How on earth could you trade your family & the women who loved you unconditionally for a home wrecker? Sounds dumb to me.

Keep Reading... Show less

Is God Reckless?

Exploring the controversy behind the popular worship song "Reckless Love"

Is God Reckless?

First things first I do not agree with people getting so caught up in the specific theology of a song that they forget who they are singing the song to. I normally don't pay attention to negative things that people say about worship music, but the things that people were saying caught my attention. For example, that the song was not biblical and should not be sung in churches. Worship was created to glorify God, and not to argue over what kind of theology the artist used to write the song. I was not made aware of the controversy surrounding the popular song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury until about a week ago, but now that I am aware this is what I have concluded.The controversy surrounding the song is how the term reckless is used to describe God's love. This is the statement that Cory Asbury released after many people questioned his theology regarding his lyrics. I think that by trying to clarify what the song was saying he added to the confusion behind the controversy.This is what he had to say,
"Many have asked me for clarity on the phrase, "reckless love". Many have wondered why I'd use a "negative" word to describe God. I've taken some time to write out my thoughts here. I hope it brings answers to your questions. But more than that, I hope it brings you into an encounter with the wildness of His love.When I use the phrase, "the reckless love of God", I'm not saying that God Himself is reckless. I am, however, saying that the way He loves, is in many regards, quite so. What I mean is this: He is utterly unconcerned with the consequences of His actions with regards to His own safety, comfort, and well-being. His love isn't crafty or slick. It's not cunning or shrewd. In fact, all things considered, it's quite childlike, and might I even suggest, sometimes downright ridiculous. His love bankrupted heaven for you. His love doesn't consider Himself first. His love isn't selfish or self-serving. He doesn't wonder what He'll gain or lose by putting Himself out there. He simply gives Himself away on the off-chance that one of us might look back at Him and offer ourselves in return.His love leaves the ninety-nine to find the one every time."
Some people are arguing that song is biblical because it makes reference to the scripture from Matthew 28:12-14 and Luke 15. Both of these scriptures talk about the parable of the lost sheep and the shepherd. The shepherd symbolizes God and the lost sheep are people that do not have a relationship with God. On the other hand some people are arguing that using the term reckless, referring to God's character is heretical and not biblical. I found two articles that discuss the controversy about the song.The first article is called, "Reckless Love" By Cory Asbury - "Song Meaning, Review, and Worship Leading Tips." The writer of the article, Jake Gosselin argues that people are "Making a mountain out of a molehill" and that the argument is foolish. The second article, "God's Love is not Reckless, Contrary to What You Might Sing" by author Andrew Gabriel argues that using the term reckless is irresponsible and that you cannot separate Gods character traits from God himself. For example, saying that God's love is reckless could also be argued that God himself is reckless. Reckless is typically not a word that someone would use to describe God and his love for us. The term reckless is defined as (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action. However, Cory Asbury is not talking about a person, he is talking about God's passionate and relentless pursuit of the lost. While I would not have chosen the word reckless, I understand what he was trying to communicate through the song. Down below I have linked two articles that might be helpful if you are interested in reading more about the controversy.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments