I am afraid of spiders, intimidated by heights, and scared of horror movies. I'm that girl who screams at the funny part of the movie, anticipating the next murder.
These fears are real, but they do not stop me from living my everyday life. Yes, maybe I avoid the spiders for sale at PetsMart or avoid looking down when high up in a building, but it is not something I am caught up on, something holding me back from what I want.
My biggest fears aren't real. They are not nouns or beings like an insect or the new Conjuring movie, they are made up. They are things like what you think of me, or not living up to the expectations the world has given me, they are what the future holds. That puts a halt in my steps, that changes my everyday life.
People say in college you learn the most about yourself, that you will never get closer to learning who you are than in those four years. Sophomore year that clicked. It was a transformative year, I think for the better, but then again who knows. I learned what I like, I learned what I hate, and I learned what I truly fear. I had all the puzzle pieces, they just weren't arranged yet.
Finding this out made me less fearful. I did my best to avoid situations of fear, but by identifying these fears, I also faced them. I did what I wanted, when I wanted to, not because someone said 'YOLO' or because of someone else.
It started small, first with the Odyssey. I put myself out there, to be heard, to be judged, to be free. I had always wanted to write for more than a grade but was always too scared to do it. So one day I said f*ck it and applied to be a creator, and now look at me, you are reading my writing. Fear number one checked off the list!
My sophomore year I roomed with three random roommates. Walking into my new home I was petrified, I mean three friends against one? Now they are people I plan to see in the fall, and one I even get to call my roommate again my junior year.
It can't all happen at once, it takes time to tackle your fears, but the high you get from, the 'yeah I did just do that' becomes addicting, making fears seem a little less unapproachable. I now say 'yes' to more things, instead of laying in bed and watching 178903 hours of Criminal Minds, because those episodes will always be there ( Netflix you better not take Criminal Minds off, you're already taking The Office away), but the plans and adventure won't always be available.
You work on facing your fears, and I'll work on facing mine, but until then keep spiders away from me and I will not be joining you to go see 'Hereditary'.
